Meaningless

Knots

I run into the hardware store with my hoodie on to hide most of my face. I go straight to the blades and grab the cheapest box possible, I might be gone from my house for a few days, I could need money for food. I walk fast to the checkout counter, id and cash in hand.

"Um just these please sir." I place the blades on the counter looking down as to not show my face.

"I'm gonna need to see some id for these lady. They could be used as a weapon you know."

I lift my eyes slightly and show him my id. "Yes I know. My last blade is dull from stripping the wires my dad brings home. Now can I pay and go please?" I let a hint of irritation into my voice to hurry him up.

"Sure. That'll be $5.86 please."

I slam $6 on the counter. "Keep the change, I don't need the receipt." I grab my new razors and briskly walk out of the store. Sitting in my truck I pull out of the parking lot and head to the drop off again, for the second time this month.

I park in the same spot, under the same tree I always park under, at the same cliff edge I dropped a burning blade down just a few weeks ago. I hop out of my truck and instead of going to the edge this time I sit under the old sad tree, and carefully remove a single thin blade from it's small blue box. I turn it in my hand, for the first time in a long time my stomach in knots over the thought of opening my wrist. I look at the scars, now old. I decide the blade won't give me the relief I need. I place it back in its box and look in the bed of my truck. There lies a rope, all tangled up in knots. I pick it up and try to remember how, exactly, you tie a noose.