just a dream | simanda ✔

chapter four: missing him

Amanda missed Chris with all her heart and body.

She hadn't gone back to teaching for the last week of school except for the last day. She could deal with that day. It was really a do nothing all day but play around in the classroom day.

That day had been one of the hardest for Amanda. She had to explain why she hadn't come in and why there was a substitute for everyday except for the last day for the kids. Amanda had broke down crying in front of her students when she told them that she hadn't been in because she was trying to deal with Chris' death and him being gone forever.

Each one of the students had given Amanda a hug and a few were crying after she told them. Amanda had found that sweet and she was getting extra hugs at the end of the last school day.

It was now the summer holidays. The pain of Chris' death was still a fresh wound in Amanda and almost everything in her apartment was reminding her of Chris or their relationship.

Amanda was laying on the bed she used to share with Chris. She had just woken up and she had put Chris' picture on her nightstand so she could look at him.

"I miss you so much, Chris," Amanda whispered to his photograph. "It's hurts so much that you're gone."

Amanda had been crying again and she found wet spots on her cheeks again. She was crying as she talked to Chris' photograph. Amanda tried to wipe away the tears that were flowing from her eyes and were flowing with now abandon. There was no stopping her tears as they just kept coming.

"Chris, I don't think I can love anyone again after what happened to you. I'm too afraid that it will happen again if I fall in love with someone," Amanda said, whispering to Chris' picture again. "I'm too afraid to love somebody else and I know you would want me to find someone and be happy. I won't fall in love again. Not after how perfect my relationship was with you."

Amanda swore to herself that she wouldn't fall in love because Chris had died just after they had gotten engaged. She was too afraid to.

"I can't fall in love again, Chris. You were perfect for me," she said. "We were perfect and you can't recreate it. I won't ever fall in love because I can't create what you and I had when we were a couple."

Amanda sat up in bed and blinked rapidly as the tears streamed heavily down her cheeks and she curled up into a ball, hugging her knees with her arms.

"I miss you so much, Chris," Amanda repeated. "I wish you were alive and coming home. You would've been home today. You would've kissed me so passionately when we saw each other at the airport. We would've made love when we got back to the apartment. All of that would've happened if you hadn't been killed or died."

Amanda hadn't really left the apartment for two weeks after the school year ended, except for a quick grocery run because she had been running low on food. She had only left the house a couple of times since Chris had been killed in combat.

"I need to get out of the apartment, Chris," Amanda spoke, getting up from the bed and wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "Everything is reminding me of you, Chris."

Amanda quickly dressed in blue leggings and put on an athletic tank top. She pulled on her running trainers and ran a brush through her tangled and knotted hair, putting it up into a ponytail with an elastic. Amanda was going to go for a run.

She hadn't been running since Chris had passed away. She couldn't go running without him by her side but she was going to try. She hadn't done any exercising since Chris had left for Syria six months ago and she was now gaining soft curves that had been less when she was running with him.

Amanda's body was changing. The curves that she had before Chris had left were small but were visable but now they had grown larger. Amanda had gotten more curvy and found herself in a larger clothing size than what she had been before Chris had left. The curves didn't look bad on Amanda and she didn't care that they were on her.

Her hair was a light, sandy blonde that fell just below her breasts and she stared at herself in the mirror with brown eyes, trying to figure out when she had started to get more curves.

She had been eating more as a result of trying to deal with the pain of Chris' death so the curves were from that.

Amanda grabbed the keys to the apartment and locked the door behind her as she left. The lock clicked into place and she gripped the keys in her fist as she went down the stairs.

Already she was out of breath when she got to the bottom of the stairs and stood with her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath underneath the stairwell.

She went out the back exit to the apartment building she lived in and shaded her eyes from the sun with her hand. She had gotten so used to being in artificial light made by lamps that the sun hurt her eyes and it wasn't that bright.

She stood just looking down the side walk. Not many people were on it. There was no runners that were running on the side walk and Amanda was the only one.

Amanda began to run slowly down the side walk, trying to keep her breath at the pace that it was. She began to run faster as she neared the park that the apartment building was near by.

The running felt good to Amanda as she entered the park. She ran even faster and began to push herself. She hadn't done this in around six months or so. This was something that she had given up when Chris had left for Syria.

The running felt good to Amanda. Her chest was beginning to tighten as her breathing became more laboured, almost painful, but it was a good pain. Amanda was in pain, but it felt good to her.

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And so we learn how Amanda is dealing with the grief of the death of her fiance. I hoped that you liked this chapter!

I've been busy writing a new fanfic that is an alemanda fanfic and I think you guys should go check it out! I've only published the context of it but I'm planning to publish the first chapter sometime this week. Please go check it out! Sorry for the short author's note but I don't know what else to write so bye until the next chapter!