I AM.....

A VICTIM...

What is a victim. A victim is someone who has suffered or still suffers from an adverse circumstance. A circumstance that one person in particular can navigate due to the other persons actions.

My definition of a victim is someone who has unfortunately become helpless and harmed in a crime. A crime in which cannot be undone. A crime that one person in particular can navigate due to the other persons actions. A victim is someone who cannot be who they once were due to a circumstance which they cannot get over.

This will be where I tell you what happened to me and I will go into detail because it is a topic no one talks about. It is also a topic that not only has changed me as a person but I want to do something about it. So I warn you that this will get descriptive and will be haunting to read as well as for me to write. I'm reliving this everyday and I will for the rest of my life. But so will he. He will have to live with what he has done to me. Also a heads up that there will be graphic content in this. All of this is true.

I was and still am a victim of sexual assault. The kind of sexual assault that I endured was rape. Being raped is something that I never thought would happen to me. I've heard it on the news, in TV shows and films. I've read about it in books and short stories. Obviously reading and hearing about it is completely different, I didn't intend to be raped or even thought I would be in a situation where I would be raped. When it happens you freeze up, you can't move.

So this happened in February. It happened in the early hours of the 25th to be precise. I know the time it happened.

I went out with two friends and I was the one worse for wear, I had drunk too much and that I regret. I won't start from the beginning of the night, I will just tell you about this incident, a little bit before and the after affects of that one night.

I couldn't get into a club because apparently I had been sick in one of the previous places I had been into. I knew the security guard was lying because I'm never unwell when it comes to drinking. My friends had been with me all night and knew that I hadn't been sick. Yet the security guard didn't care and wouldn't let me in anyway. He asked for my ID and then asked me to tell him what my licence number was. In my head I only knew a few numbers and told him I couldn't do that. So I just asked for my ID back and I waited for my friends. One of them told me they would be 5 minutes, I said that was fine and I would wait outside for them.

I had only been waiting a few minutes when someone on the other side of the road called me over and I went to him. He had said he would wait with me and that we would go for a walk. This guy was a friend of mine and I had known him for years so I thought I would be safe with him. Boy was I wrong. I am missing 2-3 minutes of the night.

This next bit is really sketchy. I don't know how I got from the club to where it happened.

When we got behind a building I tried to keep our conversation going but he just kissed me and pushed me up against a wall. I had hit my head in this process. He undid my button on my trousers and pulled them down whilst pushing me to the ground. As a result of the force of his pushing me to the ground I hit my head which resulted in concussion. Whilst on the ground I gave him a blow job. I didn't push him away until I realised what was going on. I pushed him away but he didn't move. I then told him I didn't want to be there and I wanted to go back to my friends to which he just pushed me back to the ground. He forcefully kissed me and he inserted his penis inside me. I blocked out everything that was going on around me and tried to think of something else. There are so many questions that went through my head while all this was happening.

Did I bring this upon myself?

Did I actually say no?

Why is this happening?