I AM.....

STRONG

I have struggled with what this chapter would be about. I'm sat in a window of a completely different house to my own. In what feels like a completely different world right by Brixham Harbour. Being able to have time out from work as well as letting my mind have a holiday of itself is just amazing. I'm typing out this next chapter with a cappuccino in hand looking out at seagulls on top of their nests and just admiring how beautiful nature is. Until now I didn't realise how strong and incredibly hard the feet of beds were till this morning when I sleepily walked into the end of the bed. To say it hurt was an understatement, however I've been hurt worse before so a stub to the toe is nothing to me anymore. Yes it hurts but when you put things into perspective you realise what hurts and what doesn't. 

I will now get into this chapter, I've gone off on a tangent long enough now. So I hope this chapter helps someone in some way.

For someone who doesn't understand what the word 'Rape' means, would be hard to put themselves in my shoes. However, for someone who does understand what the word 'rape' means, then you may understand and connect with this chapter. It's hard to understand something that has been in the tabloids and have the word 'rape' thrown around like its nothing. But it is something it happens all the time but it gets swept under the carpet because I believe the word has been used out of context. And for someone to feel not believed because of the tabloids is just incredibly wrong in my eyes.

I have never felt strong physically or mentally, however, this past year has put me to the test in both. I was so close to just giving up on life in general. I didn't think that I would be able to continue with life after knowing that the man who had taken advantage of a drunk girl had gotten away with raping me.  When you are put in a position of pain and heartache due to an assault you wonder what is the right thing to do. Do you go to the police? Do you tell someone close to you? Did it actually happen?

You start to second guess yourself and second guess what actually happened. I did. I started to second guess everything and everyone around me. All of my judgements before I was raped meant absolutely nothing, but all of my judgements after mean absolutely nothing as well. I didn't think I'd be able to leave my house or my bed. I locked myself away for so long. But that was only the physical side and the side of what outsiders could see. However, what no one else could see but me was I locking myself away on the inside. I hid every single emotion I possibly could from myself. I let myself believe that I was ok and that if people around me saw that I was smiling and seeming happy when I really wasn't, that I would eventually get there. I thought that shutting my emotions down was the only answer.

I soon realised that this wasn't the answer. When I finally allowed my emotions back in I had and still do have break downs. I just don't feel like I'm ever going to be the same again. I've come to terms with that, because I am a completely different person now and I can fully say that is because of what I have experienced this past year. 

One year ago I would never have thought that I would be alive today. I didn't feel like continuing. I thought that everything that happened was meant to be and that was the path that I was meant to go down. Everything happens for a reason right?

Well, in some cases that is true and for me, I feel that this was meant to happen in some twisted way. I was asked if I could go back to that night and not drink, well not drink as much, wear something less revealing (I was wearing a top and jeans. The only thing that was revealing were my toes), not go out, would I change anything. I just replied with a no. Why? I feel like a completely different person and feel that is for the better. I am so much stronger today than I was over a year ago. I can face everything head on now. I can say no and actually be heard and listened to. I feel like my voice can actually be heard. I've met amazing people this past year who have helped me in so many ways. I just feel like in some twisted trick of fate that I was meant to be raped for a reason. That reason is still yet unknown to me but I can't wait to find out what that reason is.

I made a big choice last February. and that choice was to go to the police or not. I made the choice to go to the police. I was incredibly scared. not just because I didn't think I wouldn't be believed but because the person who had raped me was a friend.

But I made that choice of going to the police. I am strong. I made the first step. However, so much was going through my mind after I went to the police.

I was worried what would happen to him. I didn't think about me that first night. I thought about what would happen to him. at the time I didn't want anything bad to happen to him. but as time went on, and I realised and had come to terms with what had happened, I did want something to happen to him. I wanted him to be charged with raped, GBH and ABH. I knew that wouldn't happen though as there was enough evidence. 

It doesn't matter if there isn't enough evidence. It doesn't matter that you may not have come to terms with what has happened to you. What does matter is that you remind yourself everyday that you are strong. You are a strong person who has gone through a horrific ordeal that no one should ever have to go through. You are still alive, you are reading this sorry sap of a real life story of mine. You may even be taking advice from this. But you are STRONG. Remember that everyday you live another day and you fight for yourself, you are strong.

The word 'strong' can mean something different for everyone. I have looked up so many different meaning and definitions or the word 'strong', but none of them feel right putting them in here. They don't fit any part of this chapter. The word 'Strong' can mean absolutely anything to you. For me being strong is knowing who you are as a person and being able to decifer your next step and if it's the right one for you. Being strong is knowing that you can stand your ground and not let anyone tempt you away from how you feel. Strong means that no one can hurt a certain part of you. Strong means that you can say no and actually mean it. Strong means that you know you are being heard, you know that you are believed and you know that you will continue the fight for the rest of you life. But you are not fighting yourself.

Remember, each and everyone of you who has read this is strong. And you will forever remain strong. 
(This has taken me 2 months to write. The beginning was two months ago) 

To anyone who has been raped and is reading this now then you are the title of this chapter. YOU are STRONG. You are