I AM.....

I am a victim. A victim of what you may ask. A victim of sexual abuse. This is a topic that no one ever talks about. It is a topic that people push aside, just like my case was.

A topic that no one ever wants to hear about let alone write and talk about.

Being a victim is a card that you can only play yourself. If you believe you are a victim there is no way you can become a survivor.

You have ticked the victim box on that survey someone asked you to fill out.

You have not only allowed the perpetrator to make you believe you are the victim, but you have also allowed this person into your mind and soul so you cannot become a survivor of such an  offence.

You think no one will believe you but that's not the case. You don't want to believe it has happened. You don't want to call out for help. You want to forget the whole ordeal.

Trust me when I say I know. I understand. I have been there. I was at my lowest point when I gave my evidence, my statement and did that horrible medical examination.

This is what made me believe and understand that I was a victim. I didn't choose to play the victim card though. I got on with work and went back to University to take my mind off of the case. The fact that I could run into the person who assaulted me at anytime scared me so much, that I couldn't leave the house for a week.

But something changed in me. The thing that changed is that I knew it happened to me, I couldn't change what happened and I certainly couldn't change his actions. The one and only thing that I could do is get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and get my ass in gear.

I went back to Uni, I went to work and I waited.

What I was waiting for was a call from my detective. This call would inform me whether the person that assaulted me would get away with it or if he would be charged. The outcome of this call would change me forever but only if I let it.

The outcome was that he has gotten away with what he did to me. There wasn't enough evidence to charge him or for the case to go to court. Even though they found his DNA on me and he had confessed and said it happened, he had said it was all consensual.

This is what made me realise that I AM NOT A VICTIM.

I AM A SURVIVOR!