I AM.....

BROKEN

Currently I feel broken. I feel I have to justify what happened. I feel like I have to say what happened to me last year over and over again. I have to tell people who come up to me and who don't believe me what happened. I tell them that if I wasn't raped then why would I have gone to the medical forensics to get DNA tested if it didn't happen. I just feel like I am unable to forget what happened and that I cannot move on from it.

I am at an all time low. The way I feel right now I just want move away and never come back. I am constantly reminded of what he did. I am constantly reminded of where it happened every time I walk past it. I just feel today that life is no longer worth living.

I've been wanting to write all the other things that I want to write but I currently do not feel those things. I don't feel strong, I don't feel courageous, I don't feel like I'm brave, I don't feel like I'm a survivor, and I definitely don't feel like living is worth it anymore.

I'm back at an all time low yet again. I hate this feeling of being worthless and having to justify everything that I have done this past year.

Because I was raped I have had to have eye surgery. I was pushed so hard to the extent that I hit my head against a wall and the ground. Because of the blows to the head I had double vision and mild concussion headaches. The double vision has been corrected and the headaches have stopped but I still get migraines. Whether that is due to what happened I will never know. But I wouldn't have needed the surgery before I was raped.

Knowing this just makes me feel even worse and makes it even harder to continue on with each day. I hate the feeling of being broken and not knowing what the day will bring.

Being broken and worthless isn't a choice its a feeling that only you can get over. which for me feels like it will be a while. The reason for me feeling like this is because I had a call from the Detective who dealt with my case last year called me this morning. He wanted to know if I wanted my clothes that were taken away for evidence and forensic testing back. I said no and that was when I remembered everything that happened.
I remembered that my best friend at the time left me outside the club on my own,just so she could go and see a guy she liked. That is when the feeling of being worthless and unworthy kicked me in the gut. I felt like because of a choice someone else had made, meant that I was no longer worth anything to anyone let alone myself.

I hate writing about shitty things like this but it's life at the end of the day. Nearly everyone will get the feeling of being broken at some point in their life and it will mean something completely different for them. But I just needed to write this as a way to vent out my feelings rather than keep crying over the fact that I was raped and the circumstances that went with it. I hope everyone that reads this understands that this isn't a cry for help it's just a way for me to get over what happened.