Don't Let Yourself be Alone

My Story

Some people may find this a way for me to "get attention", or that I'm just some mess. I mean maybe it's true that I'm a mess but this isn't for attention. This is to show that things should get better for you. This is to show what being alone can do, and nobody should really be alone. That could even just mean being here for yourself. Which is funny in my situation because it's seems that I have even lost myself. I lost everyone and it's hard. I don't want anyone to come to my point, where you work off of barely three hours of sleep and go to sleep crying and wake up crying. I've been alone from the start. From the time at birth I was left by the first person that would mean something to me to right now at this moment. It's horrible thinking you had your parents with you every step of the way just to find out that they weren't. I mean come on one of them was never my parent and I just learned that at 11. I was just someone to my sister's dad that brought in money because my biological father needed to pay child support and to add another punching bag to the list. Now my mother is doing the same thing with money. Seems that the only thing I'm useful for in this family is to bring in money because I have a rich "dad". Seriously that's like the only reason I'm here! Not many care. I mean literally at this moment I'm crying and nobody is noticing. I'm crying, practically yelling out for help and everyone seems to be deaf when it comes to it. I've been alone my whole life and it would be nice to just be noticed for once. Some may say I'm an attention whore but in my opinion I'm really not. I want to know I have someone here for me. Anyways, on to the next person that never cared. The real asshole of the story. My mom's ex husband. This guy...never gave a fuck. Got drunk like it was nobody's business, would also use me as a punching bag (emotionally), and didn't know how to not be a pervert. Do I got to say more on that for anyone to understand? I don't think so. But anyways I thought I would be given a second chance to have a "father figure" boy was I fucking wrong. Not even close. I was even more alone at this point. At this point I needed my mom, but her full attention was on him. To make him happy. Love you too mom.
I'm hurt, so hurt. After my mom's ex husband left I thought I could be happy with just her and my sister that practically hates me. I have to pretend I'm happy. Not really though, I'm not happy. It sucks. I just want to be happy. I'm so alone and I have to move away from everyone, even if some of them did bully me. I get to this place with no one I know. I move again. I just can't stand my mom ALREADY having someone else after the countless boyfriends she had before this guy. So that means I can't stand him. Sorry. But it's the truth, I just want it to be us for once or I at least don't want things to move too quickly. But they said I love you after just the first week! People say they believe in love in first sight, but I'm sorry I don't. I know that my mom says we didn't move down here for him but I do know that's the case. She moved me away from everyone to live by someone she's been dating for two months. I feel so alone.

I did meet someone though. Someone special. It makes me happy I moved here. He's probably the only good thing that came from this. I didn't feel alone anymore. Key word didn't. This isn't his fault, it's mine. I'm too much to handle. We're still together but I feel alone again. But like said that's my fault. He's amazing. But I'm not and I can't even be someone he trusts it seems. I just want him to trust me but it's going to take time. Maybe he won't at all because I'm a messed up person. I feel selfish because I feel alone so that means I just want to be by him all the time. I feel like I push myself too much on him. I need to learn to stop.

It hurts. Life sucks. But I hate how I think. I wish I could see light in a lot of things but I can't. I just want to be heard when I'm begging for help. I don't want to do this to myself anymore. I've gone as low as to harm myself. Just please, no one should be alone. Please don't let yourself be alone.