You Are My Sunshine | ✔

The Game of Life - Part Nine

     I want to go find Stella, follow her back, go with her to wherever she was going but I have to stay.

It hurt too much to follow Stella. It hurt too much to see her pain. It hurt me to see her hurt.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes and when I open them, it's 5:30pm and I'm watching Jessy leaving.

Matthew looks up, confusion in his eyes.

"Where are you going?"

Jessy turns around, one foot outside and hesitates – just a bit – and when she speaks, I swear the whole world slows down.

"It's too late. She's dead."

      Death. First, there's the shock. The blank look you give as you feel your heart break into a million pieces.
Then comes the overwhelming. The overwhelming feeling of helplessness as grief takes over your mind. It grips all your senses in its iron grip, holding tight – so tight until all you can think about is forcing a breathing into your burning lungs and the tingle in your fingers.
Tears begin to drop down your face. Slowly and steadily but you never notice. Your heart starts pounding and your ears are ringing. The people around you are talking and crying. Eyes blinking and mouth moving. But you hear nothing. All you can hear is the echoing of the nightmare.
Dead.

      Matthew's standing. He's looking around the room, hair sticking to his head.

He looks at Jessy, pauses, "No."

His voice is a broken whisper.

He's standing, running through the hospital, ignoring the shouts behind him. He slips through the doors, running up the stairs.

      It's 5:33pm and Matthew is seeing for himself.

      It's funny that death is such a hard word. All corners and edges, biting into my soul and leaving behind a trail of memories. Of laughter and forgotten feelings. Inside jokes, firsts and lasts. Tears and smiles. So much. Taken by four measly letters.

D – E – A – D.

Suddenly I'm running. I didn't know where but the only thing I knew was that I was running and I was running away.

       It's 5:35pm and I can hear Matthew.

"You are my sunshine."

Matthew's eyes have circles under them. The words are falling out of his mouth, his hands are numb and he can barely feel the harsh reality squeezing and twisting his lungs, around and around.

Matthew's staring. He's staring because Alexis has never looked so pale. Because Alexis has never been so still. Because his first thought was: This isn't Alexis. There has been a mistake. Because this person is a broken soul. He's staring and staring, trying to conjure up a picture in his head but all he can see is Alexis, laughing, smiling, alive. This isn't Alexis. This can't be.

There's a hand on his shoulder and he jumps, turning around, an apology on his lips.

It's Tyler.

"What?" he's tired suddenly, he just wants to sleep this away.

Tyler says nothing so him and Matthew stand together, in silence, three bodies, two heartbeats.

       It's 5:40pm and I'm lost. I wander aimlessly around, tear tracks drying on my face. I curl up into the corner and there is guilt twisting in my stomach.

In the end, I'm a horrible person. A selfish person. Thinks of no one but herself. But there are people I care for, and people I'll do things for.

So I stand up and walk. I walk and walk, turning corners when I came to one, slipping through doors when I see one. And when I'm hopelessly and honestly lost, I sit down on the cold floor in a hospital that smells like death and I cry. I cry for the moments that have been lost, for the moments I've missed. I cry because the feeling of losing control and hiccuping till there's nothing left to cry is exactly what I need. I cry because I'm lost, Jessy is changed, Stella is alone and there is nothing I can do. The smell of pain stinks and the guilt is gasoline in my gut.

There's so much that can happen in an hour. A friendship can be broken, a family could be lost, a life could be cut short. There's so much that can happen, so much that I can't stop.

--- START FLASHBACK ---

"Matthew?"

"Hmm?"

"What would you do if you had the ability to stop people from being sad?"

"Nothing."

"What do you mean nothing?"

"Well, being sad is a part of life and I can't stop it all. There's so much sadness in the world, so much hurt, that I can never stop it all."

"But would you try?"

"Well yes, but I won't do much good. What about you?"

"I would try and try and try until I die to make sure that no one is ever sad again. Everyone deserves to be happy and I want to make people happy"

--- END FLASHBACK ---

I remember all the smiles, all the laughter, all the happiness and all the good times I've had with my friends, strangers, people I meet.

So, I close my eyes and let myself go. I forgive myself, I forgive everyone else and I say goodbye.

      Matthew stands there, with Tyler next to him and he thinks of all the fun times he's had with Alexis. He thinks of the afternoons they spent baking, the nights they spent studying and the days they spent laughing. He thinks of Alexis and something warm fills him.

It's 6pm and it's time to say goodbye.

He closes his eyes, forgives her, forgives everyone and says goodbye.

As he turns around something, no, someone catches his eye but Matthew doesn't stop, doesn't say anything; he just nods and starts to hum.

"You are my sunshine..."

THE END