Cupid's a Lousy Shot -A Destiel Fanfic-

You Can't Stay

Four letters
Of weakness
One Word
Of vulnerability
Millions of reasons
To speak it
Or to not
xx

"Dean?"

"Dean!"

He was aware of the sensation of someone shaking him, but the back of his eyelids held no confirmation in the darkness they offered. Slowly, his eyes fluttered open, shadows dancing around and tempting him to abandon his waking consciousness, but the image of Cas convinced him otherwise. The worry twisting his face almost made it unrecognizable, but all he could think about was the closeness of his warmth, the way his eyes crinkled up close, and the way his cheekbones framed his face.

"Are you ok? You passed out when you were getting drinks." Castiel informed in a shaky tone, filling Dean's senses with a cruel dose of reality.

"Yeah." He uttered numbly, "I think so."

His eyes drifted towards the satin armchair, and the fogged memories of his dream resurfaced. Cole's words, his threats, they felt realer than ever.
Cas extended a hand to feel for Dean's temperature, and he swatted it away.

"I'm fine, don't worry." Dean remarked , and although he tried to resist, Cas helped Dean up to his feet, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and carrying him to his bedroom.

You're in love with him.
You're in love with that man.

Was he right? Could he...Could he be in love with Cas? Dean let himself think for a moment, his heart was beating violently at the thought, awakening something primal from deep within. No, he couldn't be. To love Cas was to put him in danger. In an aimless attempt, he buried  his thoughts, but they resurfaced each time he looked at him. He felt the ghost of his hand on his back and his chest brushing against his. His ears still echoed the intoxicating tune of Led Zeppelin and the heavenly rumble of Castiel, and for some reason, the worried look on his face sent him reeling.

"You should go...get some sleep, it's late, right?" Dean advised, moving away from Cas who shook his head in refusal.

"I'll watch over you."

"That's creepy, Cas." Dean groused, he couldn't have him that close.

"But you were shouting...If there's something wrong, you need to tell me, I'm here for you, I'll help you fix it." Castiel wasn't letting it go anytime soon which was apparent in his unrelenting stare. His eyes didn't leave him, and it made Dean uncomfortable.

"Some things can't be fixed." Dean murmured in a cold, hurt tone that he hated himself for.

"It's...It's just a nightmare." He persisted, biting his tongue.

"No, it's more than that." Castiel prolonged Dean's torture and he didn't respond.

"Dean..." Cas reiterated, and Dean let out a heavy sigh.

"I used to know this beautiful girl."

"A girl?

"Were you...In love?" Castiel asked as if he didn't want an answer.

"No...I like to tell myself I was, that I knew her. Her favourite things, favourite places... But it's a lie. It was lust." Dean grimaced.

"And something bad happened to her, Cas, something real bad, because of me."

Castiel didn't know how to take it, but Dean noticed the way he tensed up like he did when he was on edge.

"What do you mean?" He questioned in a low, concentrated tone.

"There was...a gang. They warned me, told me to stay away from her, and-and I didn't." Dean tried to say, but his voice quieted at the end as he choked up. There was a tone in his voice that didn't go unnoticed. Something about the way his breath caught or the tongue-tied pace, Castiel knew it wasn't the full truth, but his eyes couldn't lie, and a single glimpse of his grassy, dewy eyes was reassurance enough . What mattered was that Dean was upset, and he twitched with the urge to soothe his anguish, to lead him back home, but no amount of kind words could heal his scars, and he didn't know where to start.

"They killed her, Cas. It's my fault." Dean couldn't help the whimper in his voice, and a single tear slipped from his eye. "They killed Jo."

Castiel knelt beside Dean. He wanted to do something -anything-, so maybe that's why he reached for one of Dean's hands, fingers intertwining as he clasped it with his own. 'Was it normal for people to do this?' Castiel thought silently, but Dean didn't fight back, so he held his hand, it felt like the right thing to do. Momentarily, Dean felt a sense of serenity surge through his touch. Castiel's touch was angelic, his hands were gentle and mending, he melted into them, and every part of him wanted to bleed the moment dry, but he couldn't. He couldn't. He pulled back from his delusional peace.

"You can't blame yourself, Dean. It's not your fault." Castiel's whispered, gazing into his eyes.

"I tried to believe that, it seemed easier but...When the bomb hit I..."

Castiel's hand was next to his, and he twitched with the urge to reach for it again. He wanted to feel the tranquility he didn't deserve.

"A bomb?" Castiel asked softly, and Dean nodded.

"After that I...That's why..." He stammered, choking up before clearing his throat and looking downward. I want to hold your hand so badly.

"You don't think you deserve love..." The realization hit Castiel as his eyes flickered up to Dean, piercing through the darkness. Maybe they could've pieced through the darkness in Dean's heart, but instead of meeting his eyes, his were trained at the ground. For a long moment, they found themselves speechless, wordless, and a dreadful silence ensued.

"No chick-flick moments, right?" Dean laughed suddenly, but his voice was ice, and there was a pressure crack ready to submit to the frigid waves below and Castiel couldn't swim.

"Dean..." Cas objected, and Dean shifted further away, re-establishing his sense of personal space.

"Thanks but-I'm feeling a lot better now." Dean's lie was sloppier than usual, like he hadn't even tried to conceal it. It didn't fool either of them. Castiel's gaze dropped defeatedly,
"I'm sorry, Dean." He mumbled, "I shouldn't have..."
"Don't sweat it, that's on me." Dean assured, and this time his voice sounded typical.
"You should go home, get some sleep. I think we could both use it."

Castiel stared down at his hands,
"Cas..." Dean began in a stern, surefire tone, "You can't stay."
He regret the words the second they hit Castiel's ears, because the look on his face was devastating.
"I'll come whenever you call, whatever you need..." He stressed softly with a sense of care that Dean wasn't used to.
'Stay with me' Dean's throat ached with the urge to cry out, but he neglected his feelings.

'Please, just stay with me a little longer'
He slumped  down onto the mattress, and closed his eyes like he was trying to fall asleep, except he was staring through them at Castiel and didn't close them until he was long gone. He begged for the false bliss of even a nightmare to distort his reality, but he couldn't find it in him to  sleep that night.