_Laughingcolour_

9.

Blonde:

Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.

Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno 

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!" 

Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.

Animals:

What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment

What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".

On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.

Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks 

2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.

A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Thief

Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!

Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!

How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.

Ladies

2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)

The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.

I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel. 

Crazy:

Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"

Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!

Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?

On Wives:

Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.

teacher: Name two animals that live in a cold region?
student: A polar bear and his wife 

Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.

Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!

Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!

why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow. 

For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.

*****

       - _laughingcolour_