If you can know me

Panic attack

Mom. She's gone. Far far away.

Very very dead.

Because of me.

Well , not exactly because of me, but because of what I had done that night.

That night.....

A faint ringing started resounding in my head. My eyes blurred and hands started sweating  as the memories started rushing back, vicious as knife, cutting through years of my training to keep composed. I felt like choking ,unable to breathe as a heavy weight settled on my chest, threatening to drown me....

I could sense the beginning of another panic attack.

STOP !! Don't go down that lane. I scolded myself. Taking deep breaths , I tried to control my rapid, erratic heartbeat and counted up to ten. Focus. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. In. Out.

This is the second time it has happened. And that too in a single fucking night!

I had a really rough night today.

Those  nightmares have come back.

Again.

I have not slept well. First in the middle of night and this one now in the morning.

I shouldn't have come back here.

For the past nine years I had been staying in  western India, never turning back to see the damage I have done.

Hiding and recuperating.
Away from the devils of my past. Away from Odisha.

Ugh! I really need a switch to shut off these thoughts whenever I want.

Anyways, my point is that I had my BMS from  Deen Dayal Upadhyaya college , New Delhi acing my exams and entered IIM , Ahmedabad for my MBA .

That was a far different place from the calmer environment of my home. The hustle and bustle of the Delhi university and the studies at campus kept my mind away from past; whenever I needed a break from myself I would escape to the library  to occupy and immerse myself in the world of business.

I didn't go to hostel. Instead  I rented a small apartment for myself, my father paying the money, the rich bastard  that he is.

Yeah , I had a few friends too. But none were close. I kept it formal.

For I fear getting close to people anymore. No, I'm not antisocial .

I fear that if they get too close, they will eventually look through my pretenses, my cool exterior and run away screaming their heads off after what they find.

I fear people knowing my past. And hate me for that.

Leave! Leave it.

My father was having problems in his timber business and I had just graduated . So naturally me being his son, he ordered me back to Bhubaneswar for lending a helping hand. Grumbling that it was high time I became responsible and mature.

I didn't want to come.

Yes. I was purportedly whiling my time away for the last 6 months after my MBA courses completion. I looked for odd jobs and vacancies in companies and they were more than happy to give me the position of my choice, not wanting to waste my talent or maybe due to my Father's connections, whatever.

So when my father threatened me that he will use his influence to prevent me from getting any jobs, I had no choice but to come back.

And this was the greatest mistake of my life.
Bhubaneswar held too many painful memories , too many dark secrets for my sanity.

**** Howz it?  If you like it vote for me***