Black Rape

chapter two

I.
I woke up when something shining and bright made me wink my eyes. The light still on my face made me scratch my eyes with my hands,it happened it was just the sun shining towards my direction. I tried getting up but couldn't;the pain between my legs were yet to subside and I still felt so hurt all over my body,I felt so dirty,so used and worse I felt disgusted as I checked between my legs when I looked into my skirt. I tried standing up by holding on to the pole by my side,one step after another I stood up and shrieked in pain.

I still found it hard to understand what happened,why it had happened to me,why it had to happen at all,and why now? When i have nothing. It hurts and I just couldn't hold it in any longer as i remembered what had happened, tears fell down my face. I hated the fact that someone treated me that way,and left.

Why? God why? Why did it have to happen? To me? Where am I to go now? I can't go home now. I just can't, should I report to the agencies?

No,no I'm not ready for that.
Inner conflict within me,I just didn't know what to do,if to talk to someone and see if I'll feel better, I felt so dirty, so unclean I just want to wash up,that's what I need and to think that this happened in a church. I just.. I'm too broken to think of the right thing now, so I just started working towards the church bathroom to clean myself up, I entered the bath closet and removed the little pieces of clothing off me, I took the soap that's usually left on the toilet sink. I washed and washed and washed over and over again till nothing more was left of the soap, I hoped it'd make me clean. I wanted to wash more but the soap was already finished and my hands ached too,I couldn't close my eyes while bathing, it reminded me of it. Everything does,every step I take,every thing I see seem to now be related to my pain, I hated that I was there for him to use. I wished I wasn't there that day,wished I hadn't ran away from home to church, I should have listened to my parents, they're probably right

No,no they're wrong and you know it. You'll be  fine yemi. You will.
It even hurt knowing that I had to comfort myself by myself. It hurt to feel empty,lonely no where to go in a situation like this. I kept thinking and thinking wishing I could bring back time and hadn't come to the church but I couldn't. I tried to think of what to do,where to go but I had no option

Just go home

No I can't, Dad will kill me. I sighed as I argued within myself. I came back to reality when I heard a knock on the door, I wondered who it was.

"I'm coming out" I replied when the person knocked on the door again

"Okay"
I took the towel usually in the bath closet and wrapped my body before coming out. I didn't want anyone to see me yet or ever,I wanted to hide from the world I feel so stained and unclean, unwanted and u wanted to go unseen badly. I felt like they'll know once they see me.

What if they know? What would they think of me? Oh God!

I came out finally and realised it was the pastor

"Good morning pastor"

"Good morni_" he looked at my face and tried coming nearer to me,I took some steps back and dropped my head to the floor so he won't see my tearful face

"Are you okay?" He asked me and moved nearer to me and in trying to make me look up he used his hand to lift my face up. I brought my face up in reluctance.

"Yes I'm fine" but I'm sure he knew that I wasn't because of the fact that my voice shook while I said it and I was trembling from fear.

"Are you sure?" He looked at me again "you can talk to me"

I got tired of his many questions,at least he was asking me,but I couldn't just bring myself to talk,to admit that I had been abused even so in the church,it felt better not to accept it,better for me to belief that it didn't happen, but it did..tears fell down my face as I thought of it again

"I'm sure pastor" I said and took to my heels running as fast as I can.

"Hey! Wait up,you're not fine,let me help you" his words continually echoing in my ears telling me stop,to turn back,to talk,to listen

But I didn't wait,didn't turn back nor let him help me. He couldn't give me back what I want, my innocence, my virginity and dignity.
So I ran.... And ran.

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