the little things

chapter eleven: let me tell you a story

"i am not a flower and you are not the sun. i don't need you to keep me alive."

"Are you sure you want to tell me?" Anthony asks again.

"Yes, but once you know you can't un-know" I look at him and blink a few times. We were sitting on a bench in the outside sitting area. I felt that maybe if I told him, I would feel better.

"I know, Em" He reassures me again.

I take a deep breath in and catch a whiff of the air around us. The sounds of the birds on this Sunday morning make me feel safe. He takes my hand in his and locks our fingers together.

"Promise you won't look at me differently" My voice cracks slightly.

"Never, Em" He gives me a soft smile which I try my best to return.

"I was kidnapped right after my mother left. A part of me always thought maybe she had something to do with it, maybe she did this on purpose. I was only fourteen and as I was walking to school I feel someone put a bag over my head and before I knew it. I'm in a moving vehicle. I don't dare speak. My hands were cuffed behind my back and my head was throbbing" I wince at the memory. "I was thrown into an underground chamber. The police said I was in there for six months. There was three of them: a women, a man and another man. The women was old, her hair was grey and she was wrinkly. The men were tall and large. I was put in a room with two boys; and Tim. Jake was 16 at the time and Tom was my age. We were close, I mean we had to be. One day, I disobeyed the men and they threw me in a hole where they didn't feed me for days and days" I took a deep breath in. "Another day, I also misbehaved. They raped me. In the chamber and forced Jake and Tom to watch. I was scared and I wanted to scream but I couldn't. No one would've actually helped me. Shortly after the police found me, the men made me pick who they should shoot first; Jake or Tom. I hesitated and tears took over. I told them to shoot me, to kill me. They just laughed and killed them both  They strapped me to a chair and made me watch. They were all I had. After that I was raped by them a few more times. When the police found me I was scared and scarred. I didn't speak to anyone for weeks. I kept replaying all the events over and over again like a broken cassette, it just kept repeating itself. My first suicide attempt was a month after I cut myself so bad I almost bled to death. My dad found me. He was heartbroken. I was exhausted and fucked up, I just wanted to be dead" I wipe a few tears away with my shaking hands. "I hate me. I can't do it anymore. I tried and I tired. And I know I let everyone down but I was the first in that line, I cut myself no one else, I hated me and no one else. I put everything and everyone before me. I never mattered and I always won't. I'm so tired of everything" I sob into my hands. Anthony pulls me closer and lays me head on his broad shoulder.