The Fucked Up Life Of A Teenager

Stuck

He's back again. he's back again roaming the hallways of my brain, I thought I was over him, well clearly not.

 Yesterday I heard that he wasn't single, and I was like ya sure whatever, but a sudden squeeze of pain in my heart was jolted that sent tears to my eyes, but I didn't dare let them slide and ruin my expensive mascara because honestly, it means much more than him. 

He's stuck, and I want to cry out of frustration because I can't stop my mind from thinking about his face. I read a quote that was supposed to be romantic saying whats stuck in your head is supposed to be there. But I know that that's not true.I wasn't treated right from his side, and yet here I am thinking about him instead of what I'm going to eat for lunch.

I had a dream about him. I never had dreams about him for the past 6 years, what the fuck brain, seriously.  Now, the dream wasn't something to get excited about. But his presence was deafening. When I woke up it was like I was drowning and just took my first breath. I didn't cry, although I wanted to so bad, I wanted my love for him or whatever disease he got me infected with to slip through my never ending tears that my heart cries every day.

For people who didn't deal with any kind of crushes..... keep it going. Seriously, you don't want to deal with this kind of pain. but at least let me describe it to you.

Now I'm sure you have seen a quote "how do I get over someone who was never mine", well, it feels like hell, because right now he's thinking about another girl and I'm here living my own tragedy novel. I feel really silly, stupid for having this kind of drama in my life, like its a one sided love and a one sided kind of breakup slash getting over, I mean come on, share something will ya?  

He's living the time of his life while I'm wasting the precious time of my life mourning over my broken heart. It's really pathetic. I feel disgusted by myself.

Now coming to the part of how it feels. 

Imagine your heart is burning, on fire in front of you, and someone is putting heavy bricks at the exact place where you breathe, where you take your inhale and release your exhale. Your mind does nothing but rapidly show you random memories of him or if you got really lucky*notice the sarcasm* memories of both of you doing something silly but your mind makes so much of a big deal that the sink in your eyes start flooding. It's hell. I'm being treated badly and I'm still feeling something when ever his name pops up. Now when you normally talk to him in front of me you'll find my eyes start to roll, my attitude becomes defensive, especially because I was compared to him and his sister as a kid and till this day. I don't know, my family thinks they are the new Einsteins or some shit.  Although im not so bad myself.    

Like do I have Stockholm syndrome? I'm I over thinking it, probably. Making it more dramatic than it seems? absolutely. But still, that pain is still there, it didn't go nor faded.  

The problem is that I feel love no more, but he's like a tattoo that I hate so much, I don't love it anymore, I want to remove it. but it's permanent. I seriously don't have any feelings except jealousy. That he loves someone else and that I wasn't good enough to even treat me as a friend. And the hatred part, what I feel is mostly anger. and it's bad to hold grudges but it's also hard to let go and forgive. Another problem is that he doesn't know anything, nada, no shits are given. He lives his normal life on his own merry way, and im here writing about how heart broken I am about something he did that he didn't give a second of his time to think that might hurt me or not. 

Confidence is what I lack. and trust me, girls and boys, out there, it's not pretty. 

Don't do love 

Just 

No 

I know im 16 and ya, what do I know about life and love, you know what don't take my advice, go fall in love, but don't come back crying, cause the only thing that im going to do is tell you that I told you so.

The only thing that is helping me survive is writing, so my real advice is to make yourself busy by practicing your hobbies

You read? read more

Draw? draw crazily

Write? write creatively 

Do sports? hit harder

just  do what you love and forget about people who don't know your importance.