And they called it Bucky Love

Part 28 - Homecoming

The next chapter of my life was one that I still have very little recollection about, even to this day.    I've heard that the human brain is the most amazing device for blocking out painful memories, and during that particular time period, mine worked like a Trojan to protect me.

In the immediate aftermath of the shooting of the Winter Soldier,  the only thing I could really remember as I drifted between consciousness and darkness, was being picked up by the blonde man in blue and flung over his shoulder, whilst all around me there was noise and chaos.  I vaguely remembered him running, and the red headed girl following.....yes, I'm sure she was in there somewhere.......and was that another man too?   I didn't know......he looked familiar, but that was all.......and was there someone being dragged?

I dimly heard the words 'Bucky' and 'dead'  being  thrown about, but I couldn't associate them with anything, and as with everything else, they were soon forgotten.    I thought I heard the name Yuliya........but again, it was all  so muddled......so grey.........

From then on, I felt I was in the middle of a series of terrible nightmares,  to such an extent, that at one point, I truly thought  I was actually dead, for I felt like my head was in a sea of white mist and I was ascending a steep stairway, higher and higher, where whenever I looked back down, all I could see were faces that seemed familiar, growing further and further away from me,  but then just as I would be about to reach the top, something would drag me back down again into the people below and I would have to start over.   

And so it continued, this vicious cycle of wavering between life and death, pain and peace. There was no sense of time..........just the feeling of eternity and that it would never end.

During some of the dreams, I would hear a mans voice talking to me...........low and gentle........just murmurs really, but familiar and comforting........soft sounds with no real meaning,  but in such a quiet tone, that in my head full of terror,   I was soothed.  

_

One day however, I woke up.       It was a move I would come to regret. 

-

As my consciousness returned and my eyelids began to move,  I felt the warm rays of sunlight on my face.  Although still fragile, I moved my head instinctively in the direction of the beams and started to open my eyes properly.   They felt sticky and heavy, as though they had been glued together.

As they adjusted to the brightness however, and I was able to look at my surroundings, I realized one very important detail.   I was in my own bedroom, in my own apartment.

This small fact made me relax a little, and I started to do a mental inventory of my body, gently trying to move each muscle from my feet upwards.   As I reached my neck, I was relieved to find that so far, everything appeared to be in working order.   I had no idea how long I had been asleep, but felt the need to find out.

I decided I needed to get out of bed.    Groggily,  I reached out my hands from under the quilt and tried to push myself up.

"Woah there Magpie......"

The voice was like a bolt of lightening,  and at the sound of it,   I swung my head around to the direction that it had come from - the door.      As I looked over,  I saw, standing there,  the man from my dreams ......the blonde haired one.........the one who had carried me..........the one who had rescued me from the hell. 

I burst into tears.

I knew who he was.

It was Steve Rogers.

"Steve!"   I sobbed at him. "Oh Steve!"  I reached out my arms and within seconds, he had crossed the room and was in them.  

"Maggie..." he said into my hair as he clung to me,  "Oh my little Magpie......my best girl.....I thought we'd lost you."     and then he too sobbed, as he held me tightly, oh so tightly in his arms.  

I cried and cried so hard,  it was like someone had turned on the faucet to full flow.   I just couldn't stop.    In between sobs,   I heard myself saying "You talked to me....you spoke to me, I heard you....Steve......I heard you."

After a moment, I pulled myself away ever so slightly, just enough that I could look into Steve's face.     I took in the lines that had etched themselves into his once smooth brow, and I noticed that his eyes were red and he looked drawn.  

"My God Steve......." I said sniffing,  as I gently reached a hand up to touch the stubble that adorned his cheeks - something I would never have previously witnessed on Captain America.     ".....you look terrible......."

He stared back at me,  with those blue eyes of his suddenly serious.     As ever they were - I thought to myself, suddenly having a flashback to times long past when I would be joking around and he'd be the one being all grave and sincere.

He took my hand from his face and held it with his own.     "Maggie......" he started to talk, but then hesitated and shook his head,  as he looked down at the quilt.     "I - I don't know what to say.......where to begin........I mean.......there's so much, but......" his voice trailed off.

I furrowed my brows and tilted my head towards his, so that I was almost looking up at his downcast eyes.    "Steve"  I said softly "what is it?    What do you need to say?"   I kept my voice low, trying to disguise the trepidation that was starting to course through me.   He didn't answer, but kept glancing down at the bed.     I squeezed his hand.    "Look"   I tried again, "whatever it is......please,   I can handle it,  I promise."    

In truth however,  that part was probably a lie, as inside, my stomach was churning with the worry that whatever it was, was so bad that even Captain America was struck dumb.

He released my hand,  got up from the bed and looked down at me.    "I'm sorry Magpie" he said, his eyes sad.  "I just don't think you're ready."    And without another word, he walked quickly out of my room and was gone before I could really register it.

For a moment, I stared at the empty space where Steve Rogers had just been and then I leaned back against the soft pillows and gazed ahead, trying to fathom out what had just gone on.    What couldn't he say?  I wondered.  What was so bad that my best friend wasn't even able to tell me?      I screwed up my eyes to stop the inevitable tears from falling onto my cheeks, but as that proved impossible, I gave in and cried to myself for a moment, before taking a deep breath to calm my shattered nerves and deciding what to do next.

It'll all be fine,    I told myself, trying to bring the old sensible Maggie back to the fore.   You know that nothing really bad will have happened - after all - it's me we're talking about here......not one of the Avengers.    I sat myself up straight again and stared out of the window as the early evening light flooded into my room and bathed it in a beautiful soft glow.

As I looked out across the skyline, I was reminded how lucky I was to live in such an amazing place, and I resolved to sort it all out in the morning.    Whatever it is,   I told myself,   It can't be that bad.   I'll just talk to Tony.

I froze.

Tony.

The name sent a chill through me as I suddenly heard words dancing through my head like a tune from an organ grinder.

'Tony Stark...........he sent you to Romania..............and I betrayed you.........'

That's when I started my regret.