My Story

April 19 2014. 8:06 pm

Hello. My name is Messica Ji. I am 14 years old.

I am telling my story out of order, because there are some things that I can't bear to remember

Some things that if I think about them too much,

I'll go insane.

But to start off with, here's a little you should know about me. I am a girl. I am a United states citizen of Chinese ethnicity. I live in the suburbs of San Francisco, California. I used to live in a small unincorporated town called Fidel Mountain. Now I live in the nearby city of Reyward. I have an 8 year old sister named Yennifer Ji. I am a year round competitive swimmer. I go to Fidel Mountain high school. I play piano. I play baritone horn in the fidel mountain high school band.

Now you may be wondering: why haven't I talked about my parents yet?

Well that's because I no longer have any.

The day was March 14, 2014

The day my life changed forever

I keep on replaying that day in my head

And I'm afraid

Because if I keep doing it

Then I'll lose my sanity.

I don't know if I ever really knew the full definition of family

But what I would assume is that families love one another

And usually people who love one another

Don't kill their spouses.

Especially when they have 2 kids

They were married for 16 years.

Call it what you want. Homocide. Murder. Manslaughter.

But I can't tell you what happened on March 14

At least not yet

But stick around, and you might find out.

But today I'm going to talk about right now. And right now I have recently read the book, 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. I used to think, why would someone kill themselves? I wonder how someone could be any lower than I am right now. And I'm still here. I'm still alive. Don't people ever realize how LUCKY they are? They live in America, where they have enough to eat and drink, a place to sleep, a family, a home, a school, a toilet, a shower. The thing about most people is that they don't really know what sorrow is. But I do. And then I realized once you feel sorrow, you see that all sorrow is sorrow. And no matter what the different circumstances are, in the end we all feel the same pain. Whether it be greif, loneliness, loss, sadness, betrayal, in the end, all that is, is sorrow. The difference between me and the girl who commited suicide in 13 Reasons Why is that I am strong. Sometimes I do think aboutr dying because it seems like just living is the hardest thing to do right now. I can't think about the future because it scares me. I can't face the fact that my life will never go back to how it used to be. that I will never see one of my parents ever again. But the one thing that keeps me rooted to the ground, the one person that kept me from dying long ago, is my sister. Because I have to live for her. And I have to live for myself. She has kept me not only from being dead in the ground, but from being dead inside. Without her I would be unfeeling, unseeing, uncaring.

And then I started thinking, why do people wait until after they die to tell people how they really feel? Because I want to tell you. Or at least tell someone. So I wrote my own reasons. But unlike the girl in the book, these are my reasons for sorrow.