Diary ng Seminaristang Pinoy sa UK...

July 7-11, 2001 Guilty Feelings

July 7, 2001

Before mass at 10:30 AM, I went with Fr. Slawek to AZDA to buy flowers for the Church. I also wanted to buy something for the machine. We dropped by at the house of Geoff, which is so beautiful. The couple must be very rich. Beautiful house and very elegant! But they are so kind and friendly. They were the first ones who entertained me when we arrived here in the compound of the Brothers of Charity. They are very devoted to the Church and attend mass daily, taking many responsibilities in the Church.

Alone in my room, I had a strange feeling as I recalled my time at the Retirement Area, giving lessons to the mentally handicapped, giving help to the paralyzed, helping the old ones in wheel chairs, entertaining them generally. I felt I have deprived all these services to my mother when she was alive, paralyzed and in great need. I felt his presence in my silence. She was there moving. I am sure of it. She was like telling me that I have done my best. It was not a message of guilt but of thanksgiving, that what I have done for the people in the retirement area are actually actions done for her and the rest of the many sick people in the world.

It was my mother, who assured me of strength, that in spite of my adjustment and emotional distress, she would remain active in my journey. My silence for sure was a union. It was a special prayer with my mother. It was my mother who initiated that intimacy, that I may be led to the authenticity of my service and my coming to the Lord.

I spent the morning cleaning our flat and my room. I hovered the floor and wiped away dusts. I also cleaned the toilet, especially the bowl and the bathtub. Imagine I am using bathtub everyday, with cold and hot water. Not all people in my country had this privilege. We are very poor and having a tiled toilet and bathtub is only for the rich. We have our own kitchen here, fridge, oven, microwave oven, etc. My room is very big, well furnished, carpeted and posh. Again, this is only for the rich people in my country. I do not want to deny the poverty of my people because this is the way of life that I came from.

After our lunch, we decided to go to Preston with Bro. Venant. I wanted to go ahead so that I could find ink for my printer, then go to Orange for my phone. You see how vain I am! But Jose and Andrew stopped me. Sometimes, it makes me irritate when they become too conservative. Jose would sometimes disagree of people coming here. "We do not have room. I do not want them to use our rooms etc." He is such meticulous to people. But I have to understand. He even does not want to talk of silly things just for fun, or a thought that I would wear a swimming trunk, or anything that shows the body. I do not know. He is a Mexican, and a bit conservative.

In the afternoon, we went to Preston. First, I bought ink for the printer. Other members of the group went shopping. Sr. Georgina was with us, but she was like the mother general, watching each one, especially to Bro. Venant. She was not happy of the afternoon, for it was all like shopping without proper planning. We just hopped from place to place. I too, felt a bit tired for there was no clear direction.

Sister Georgina is like a dictator woman, but she does things in jokes. She must be a bit aggressive and strong in personality. I could read in her words and actions, though she appeared to be good and humble. But I always go along well with her, for she is funny too.

July 8th, 2001

I had a little washing in the morning, then cleaning in my room. Our mass was at 10:30AM, so I had great chance to write, read and to reflect. I went to the church earlier. There was nobody in there yet. I just enjoyed the moment of silence, which for many times I always long to have. The place of the Brothers of Charity is also like a monastery. Once the people go home, everything is completely in peace. I always have a great time walking around the garden.