Diary ng Seminaristang Pinoy sa UK...

July 12-14 The journey must go on!

July 12, 2001

"The journey has to go on." This is always the favorite expression of my Novice Master. Truly, the journey has to go on, even in the midst of difficulties and handwork. I am facing in this long journey for the mission, of which, I feel very much tested in many ways.

This morning, I woke up very early. Aside from the disturbance of my stomach, I was just awakened by my feeling. I felt something that somehow excites me. It is not of sexual desires, but I felt excited for the day. I do not know. I took my shower. After fixing everything, my room, and myself I ran to the Church for it was raining. As I entered, there was already Fr. Slawek, preparing the things for the mass. He just greeted good morning, and then I went to the pew.

It was a very beautiful morning, so silent and so peaceful. It was raining and everywhere was very cold. I sat down, disposed myself and closed my eyes. There was a line that caught my attention, "The Kingdom of God does not mean food and drink but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." I do not know why it attracted me, though I was not able to reflect it well.

It could be that every meal, I feel so sorry of the food thrown by the brothers every after meal. We have a lot of nice foods, but they throw the remaining food after the meal. It bothers me since I arrived here. We have wine or beer also anytime we want. But with my stomach situation, I am very careful with food or drink. I am sad in behalf of those who have nothing to eat, those who struggle to survive and those who died of hunger. Many are suffering in the world now.

Anyway, this is just my concern. But St. Paul is pointing on the spiritual food and to live in righteousness and peace. This is what I am trying to look at my stage now. Am I really righteous and at peace with my life and to the people that I am serving? What a question! It is to the Lord that I am doing the service. He knows the quality of my actions and the authenticity of my desires. To this I want to be drawn into the understanding of the Lord. I want to be magnetized by his power, so that I will be thinking no more of self-righteousness but of genuine service. If I am caring all these mentally handicapped people, it is for the Lord that I do it, not of my self-glorification. The danger is for my soul to glorify my works and see self-gratification in it.

This morning, I worked with Jean in the lounge. We had our group dynamics- an update of current issues to the old ones. I am not yet fully immersed into the dynamic. It was Jean who gave inputs- on the news, politics, economy, sports and many events in the world, of which, these people are not so much into. I was asked to say something about my country, political and economic situation, the Church and my vocation for missionary life. It was beautiful to see them listening to all these things. Though they really are incapable to associate with current events, but they are part of the eco-system.

For afternoon, we had our walking. I drove the wheelchair of Dennis. He is a paralyzed man. While I was attending Dennis, I was reminded of my mother, whom I do not have the great chance to serve. The other oldies followed us, struggling to walk, but with enthusiasm to see the world, to feel the breeze, the kiss of the wind and just to chat among themselves while walking.

When we came back, I had a little chat with Louise. I shared to her about my reflection, that I am trying to do my best in this caring for the elderly and mentally handicapped as a fruit of my love for my mother. As I have said, I did not have much chance to do my service to her, so I want to make it a qualitative encounter for the rest of the clients. I shared to Louise too the struggle of my vocation, the death of my sister in law, her daughter and my mother. I realized later that Louise is also nursing a deep wound of the death of her eldest son last year. He died of cancer of the skin. They did not have any idea about his sickness, not until he was ill and suffering. Louise is a very strong woman, full of hope.