the notebook

A/N: before you read, this story mentions self harm and a little bit of an eating disorder and suicide. Don't read if you get triggered easily, or if you don't like that stuff. I just want to say; I don't think this way of Michael. He is not fat, he is beautiful but this is just the way he sees himself in this story.

It had been two months ago when Luke found him; two months ago when Luke's world came crashing down. Two months since he found Michael laying on the bathroom floor not breathing. Michael's face was white, and pills were scattered all around the floor. Luke screamed, begging Michael to answer him or move to let him know he was okay but Michael never did.

-

After that day, Luke was never the same. He was quieter now, and never laughed. Out of all the boys, he was taking it the hardest. Calum and Ashton were pretty torn up about it too, obviously. But not as torn up as Luke. Luke was the one who told them he didn't want to continue on with the band, it wouldn't be the same. Calum and Ashton understood, they didn't want to continue either. They all still lived together though, they were planning on moving back in with their families after what happened but their families wouldn't understand what they were going through. They weren't close to Mikey, like the boys were. Calum and Ashton always tried to get Luke to talk, talking was supposed to help with grieving.

"we miss him too Luke, a lot. but you have to stop being like this, Michael wouldn't want you this upset" Calum told him one day when they were all sitting at their kitchen table together. It felt wrong, with Michael's chair empty.

"I can't just get over this" Luke said quietly, looking over to where Michael would of been sitting. Where Michael should be sitting. Luke thought.

"we know that, we're not over it either. but you have to stop shutting us out. you have to start talking to us again" Ashton said.

"talk about what? talk about how I found my best friend fucking dead in our bathroom? talk about how I'll never hear another one of his stupid jokes that always made me laugh so hard I almost cried? talk about how I'll never get to hug him one more time and tell him I'm really lucky to call him my best friend?" Luke said, suddenly becoming angry. He didn't want to talk. He just wanted Michael back.

-

Luke would just stay locked in his room most days, it was rare that he came out and sit with the other boys. Luke would stay in bed with his tv on, but he wouldn't watch it. Every little thing would remind him of Michael. Luke could never use that washroom again, whenever he walked past it he got this feeling in his stomach and he felt like he was going to cry or throw up maybe. The images of Michael laying on the floor, remained in his head. They would be stuck there forever, he thought. Luke had a lot of questions he wanted to ask Michael. Like why he took all those pills, why he wanted to die, why he couldn't of just talked to Luke about whatever was going on. Luke felt like a shitty best friend, he should of seen all of this coming. Michael had seemed really upset, the last couple of months of his life. He always wore long sleeves, so when Luke found him in the bathroom with scars all along his arms he wasn't really surprised. Luke should of seen all of the signs, he should have seen this coming and he should of stopped all this from happening.

Luke wondered why he was taking this harder then all the other boys, yeah him and Michael were best friends. But all the boys were best friends. Maybe it was because he was the one who found him. But that couldn't be it, because even if he hadn't seen him he would still be devastated. Luke was the closest to Michael so maybe that was why. Michael and him had always just had this connection, they understood each other. Whenever Michael was around him, Luke had this warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach and he never understood why. But now he would never feel that again. He cried that day, for hours until he fell asleep with tear stained cheeks.