His Promise Land

Journal [6]

Ash's POV


Two months later

Two months. Two months since Jace left. And every month, every week, everyday, every hour, every minute, every second, and even for every nanosecond, he was in my mind. Jace was always there, hovering inside, with his smile, his voice, his eyes and that soft look that was always there every time he looked at me, his touches, his laughter, his everything...

All of them were echoing inside my head, bouncing everywhere, over and over again, a never ending cycle that kept reminding me of what I didn't do, and what I've failed to do. I was too stupid, too childish, too weak, to say that it wasn't his fault, that it was my own weakness.

And sometimes, what he said to echoed in my head, bouncing around inside my skull. You carry my heart in your hands. I found myself drowned in another tirade of feelings, one that I didn't know how to act on. I was torn between hoping, steeling myself to be strong so next time— Next time I can protect him better. Protect his heart and keep my promise.

I swallowed thickly and looked outside the window, it was my birthday.

For the first time since I could remember, Jace wasn't here, he wasn't standing near me with a huge smile on his face and an enormous chocolate shortcake with a lot of scattered strawberry toppings on it on his hand. He didn't give me candles to blow this year, no presents, no 'Happy Birthday', no kiss on my forehead and on my cheeks, no wide happy grins from him. No anything, because he wasn't here.

It felt like forever before he can take a break away from the army and came back.

Everyone told me to call him, write him a letter, whatever I can do to reach him but... I was scared. I was scared that in the short time he was gone, the short time that we were apart, he would be different and that he won't find my selfishness endearing and it will just weigh him down, again. That when he see the world got to offer he would find himself stupid to put up with me and that he would have no reason to.

Maybe if I write to him or call him, he would ask for his heart back, that he'll find someone else, someone stronger, to take care of it. Not a spoiled, little princess.

I scowled.

I was a major coward I know, but I know it was my own fault and my own decision that left me here. More than anything, more than wishing Jace to be back, I wished I was stronger, I wished I was enough to carry his heart and protect it in a way he deserved.

When Jace left, he brought a huge chunk of me with him, he took away my life and hope from me.

It may sound sappy, cheesy and romance movie material but it was the truth. Jace took a part of me with him and I wished he left something behind for me to remember him by, it wasn't like I was going to forget him, it was just that... it would feel nice if I could have a piece of him with me.

But Jace had something from me, his guitar pick and I hope it could always remind him that I will always wait for him, no matter how long. I will always be here until he'll tell me that he won't need me anymore, that he finally found someone suitable for him.

"I wish he get back safely so I could kick his butt for making my daughter so sad." My mom remarked once, shaking her head.

It made me laugh for awhile before the reality came crashing back to me and I was sobbing hysterically in her arms again. And I felt bad that my mom knew I was hurting, it was like I put more things in her mind to worry about and she already had enough on her plate.

And I didn't want that. I didn't want her to be worried. It was like I only knew to make the people I love worry and trouble them.

So I acted strong, faked a smile and laugh when I needed to be. My mom knew it was fake but she didn't question it, she knew how much I was hurting and how it took a toll on me to fake a smile and laugh. But for now, that was the only thing I do best.