dreams for depression

1

noise surrounded me and sunlight started to seep into my eyes. It was obviously time to wake up at my house. Like it matters, I'm going to stay in bed all day long, anyway. I decided to stretch to get myself ready for this morning's session. I tried re-arranging my pillow so that I'm sitting a little bit more upright.

Ouch!

I quickly pull out my hand from under the pillow to see that my middle finger was forming little beads of blood. ugh. it was that razor I forgot I had hidden under my pillow. I give up trying and lay back down on my bed. I pull up my sleeves, revealing a series of cuts and scars I gave myself weeks ago. sigh. why the hell did I do that? I've got no goddamn clue. I trace my fingers over them before pulling my sleeve back up.

"Good morning, Zoey" I hear my mom say from the doorway "how are you feeling today?"

"...okay"

"You think you can get ready for me?"

I groan and push my arms against the bed, hoping to lift myself, but fail miserably

"It's okay babe, I'll help" my mother comes over and wraps her arms around me, to support my back. she steadied me onto my crutches and got me to move a few steps.

 I nodded towards the wall opposite my bed, signaling that I would like to go there. I hung all my photos there, there were photos of me, photos of my family, photos of my friends- but my favorite one was a picture of me, Ronnie and Shawn -my two best-est friends in the whole world- embracing each other at a beach in south america, not sure where exactly, but we were 7. Although Ronnie visited me every day, I completely lost touch with Shawn, who made it big. Now, Shawn Mendes is a household name, everyone has heard of him, everyone loves him. Including me, of course, I'm are always listening to his songs, as they help me feel so much better. That's probably the only bond I have with him, other than the fact that he is my best friend's long-distance boyfriend.

After half an hour or so, my mom puts me back in bed and informed me that Ronnie's coming over to keep me company while she's at work, and as if on cue, the doorbell rang.

I see my mother rush out of my room and hear the living room door open.

"Oh, hey Daya!" Ronnie smirks, flinging herself on a chair in my room, it was one of those spinny ones you find a office. She giggles then sits properly upright and looks me in the eye with a grin.

I loved her so much, Her long ginger curls and wide green eyes, her angelic face generously splattered with freckles, her amazing laugh. no wonder Shawn fell in love with her, I thought. She has always been by my side, especially when I fell sick, she was there to confront me and give me my medication on time.

"whats up, Ron?" I flatly answer.I'm not a sick of her or anything, I just like playing it cool, and anyways, i never have much energy nowadays.

I waited for one of her epic stories she tells every time she comes over

"Nothing much, but yesterday I was face timing Shawn,he told me to say hi and that he really misses you, he might be visiting soon! "

I think I might have had a little bit too much hope on my face because when Ronnie saw, she shook her head in pity "only might, Daya"

I shrugged it off quickly and Ron starts talking about school drama

I stare at her in awe as she continues talking and talking. Sometimes I wish I was as lucky as she was, instead of just laying helpless here in my dull room.

Soon Ronnie had to leave so I take out my iPod and start listening to some of Shawn's songs but soon stop, after breaking down at A Little Too Much.

***

My Mother came home with yet another doctor with her. This doctor was quite young compared to all the others who came over. She was a cheery woman that smiled way too much- not that there is anything wrong with that, i could only wish to be half as happy. The doctor asked if she and I can be alone for a moment.

I've had many doctors come check on me throughout the last few years and they all sweet talked me and told me everything's gonna be okay and give me medication and tell me that it's gonna make me feel better but so far, nothing has changed

The doctor introduced herself to me as Doctor Nevein, but I can just call her Nina. She mumbled a lot but i made no effort to try to understand what she was saying, i just kept nodding so I don't seem rude. After a quick check up she told me that she's going to assign me a pill that will be able to cure not only illness, but my depression too, I was quite taken back by this and kept insisting that I was perfectly fine just ill-tempered but she did not seem convinced. I finally gave in and asked her how she knew. she just smiled at me and gave me a little jar full of pills, she then proceeded to mumble to me that the pill will make me really sleepy and that I must take them myself, for I need to exercise my upper arm and gain self-confidence...

...what??

she then asked me that if I can be anyone I want, would I choose to be my best friend?

I said no, i'd want to be Camila Cabello, please. She playfully rolled her eyes and corrected herself, if i could be anyone i want that i personally know, would i choose to be my best friend?

i shrugged, thought about it for a second and nodded. yes, yes I would

Then she asked me if that was because of her relationship with someone I wish was close to. I frowned in shock and shrug-nodded again.

Nina smiled at me and left.

I reached for the little bottle and read the description,'once a day, whenever you'd like to spend your time dreaming'