dreams for depression

2

I woke up. for real this time.

I know this because my boring gray ceiling was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. I heard a loud voice chattering away from the kitchen. It was Ronnie. She was laughing when she walked into my room.

"oh! you're awake!" she exclaims pulling her phone away from her ear "pretty late, huh? It's one pm now."

"who are you talking to?"

"Oh, just Shawn" 

just shawn??

"Can I say hi?"

Ronnie looks at her phone and hesitates for a moment, before handing it over.

"Hi, Shawn. I miss you" I say with no emotion what-so-ever

"Zodiax? I miss you loads too," something about hearing the same voice I heard in my dream made my heart race. "How are you? doing better?"

I nod, before remembering that he can't hear me do that. I hand the phone back to Ronnie while Shawn was still talking.

Ronnie quickly ends the call, saying something about wanting to spend time with me. I know she actually closed the line because she felt bad for me, she knows i feel left out.

She started conversation with me cautiously, making sure she didn't mention the phone call again.

***

"Afternoon Ms. Beckett" I heard Ronnie say politely "I must be on my way now" 

"thank you once again, Poppet" my mother answers.

She enters my room and sits down at the end of my bed. She looks exausted.

"what's wrong mom?"

"Oh, nothing much."

I stare at her expectedly, it's never 'nothing much' with mom and her job.

"well i mean today a foreign teacher at the school got arrested for sleeping with a student, the head of the police department had to come in, that's Ronnie's father, right?"

"Yup, Mr. Seaman"

"Yeah, well, this Seaman guy starts questioning ME about what happened and when I told him that I didn't know he accused me of lying because the day that happened I was assisting that  teacher in his class and so now I'm supposed to magically hoddamn know what the hell he was up to that night!" her voice sped up and got louder as she spoke. she sighed. I hated seeing mom sad, which was all the time. 

I opened my arms to offer her a hug but she shook her head and went to the kitchen to get my pills. my mother was never the hugging type.

Home was never a happy place to be, I don't want to live here for the rest of my life.

Flee from sity

That's exactly what I want to do. yeah, maybe that doesn't make sense spelling-wise but it's pronounced the same.

I thought of more anagrams for rest of my life until mom was back. mortify feels was one I found especially interesting.

my mother finally came back with Nina's prescription and a glass of week old orange juice, and I took this moment to appreciate that the pills Nina assigned me doesn't taste as bad as all the other ones- actually this one was quite sweet.

I was lowkey excited to continue my dream, but didn't show it, I mean who the devil gets excited about going to sleep, and especially when you've been doing that three-quarters of your life already.