Till Death Do Us Part

I wish I never...

May 4th.
The day my life would change forever.

I got up and the day started normal. I got a text from Thomasz with the regular 'goodmorning beautiful'. We text a bit and I soon realised that today wasn't his day. He felt bad. But I couldn't meet up with him, so I tried to talk to him as much as I could.
I tried to cheer him up and make him laugh, But it didn't always work.

I didn't know why he felt that way and he didn't tell me. He tried his best to hide it and to act happy. I didn't have a lot of time that day, so Femke started a group conversion and we talked there. It was already late and Thomasz was getting mad at me for almost everything I said. I tried my best to ignore it, But hell, I was tired of it.

I did the most stupid thing I could've ever done and told him:
"You know what? Go cut yourself. I'm sick of all this bullshit and I'm sick of you acting this way."
He read it and got offline.
So did I.

May 14th was my birthday.
I hadn't heard from T ever since the fight we had. Femke didn't call or text me either.
My birthday. I woke up without a text from Thomasz or Femke.
I tried my best to act happy, But it really hurt me. Did they just forget about me? I thought they were my friends...

Weeks passed and I finally got a text from Femke.

I'm sorry I didn't call or text you sooner,
But my mother took away my phone.
I'm not allowed to contact you anymore.
I'm so sorry.

I didn't understand. My phone rang. It was Femke.
"My mom isn't home, But I really need you now. Thomasz killed himself. He did. He cut his wrists in our garden. He did it the Night of group conversation. My mother found out and now I'm not allowed to see or talk to you anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

She cried so hard, I could hardly understand her. But I did hear it... He killed himself.
It kept repeating in my head.
He killed himself.
He killed himself.
He's gone.
It's my fault.
Why did I say it?
Why did he fucking do what I told him?
Why?

I dropped my phone and cried...
I cried so hard..
It was all my fault.

His mother always blamed me.
She used to text me saying it was all my fault that her son was gone.
I didn't reply. It was just her sadness speaking, yet I know it was True.
It was my fault.

Sarah was there for me all the time and she took care of me while I was crying. She still is An amazing friend of mine and I'm so thankful to her.

And now, present time? I still miss him. Every single day. I still Blame myself. I still cry.
The pain never goes away. I got into a huge depression and tried to commit suïcide several times. It's hard to get over it. I wasn't there at the funeral and I never heard from Femke ever since. I wonder How they're doing..
I have a lovely boyfriend and two beautiful children. They help me get through it. I love them all very much. They're my happiness now.

Thank you so much for Reading. It was hard for me to write it all down, But I'm glad I did.

Much love,
Janna.