Dont Panic! [All Time Low]

o n e

*Strong language used!*

November 27th, 2012.

Nobody expected the bug Courtney had caught to be life threatening. Nobody expected to get the call from her family telling us that this girl had passed away without any warning. Nobody expected that the doctors had no explanation for what had happened, not even an idea. She had had a fever; Sweating, Coughing, dizziness, the usual symptoms of a common flu. Then the last symptom; Death. Never has death ever been an underlying consequence of a common flu, and the reason she had passed was still unknown to everyone. And yet, here we were, crowding around our merch girls' coffin, mourning the loss of an amazing friend. She had a closed coffin, apparently it has been pretty gruesome. She had taken a fall, or so we had been told. Her face had been bloodied and she had been forced to have a closed coffin.

"See you around, Court!" The last words I said to her played around my mind, tears threatening to fall. It was horrible, seeing someone so close to you dead. She was so young, the same age as me, she had her whole life ahead of her. Imagine if it wasn't Court, but was Alex, or anyone the band members. Imagine if it had of been me instead of little Courtney? It was fucking heart wrenchingly sad to see all these people who were always so strong, breaking down and crying around our little sister's coffin. We were a family. Crew, Band and fans, we were one huge family. And losing a member of your close-knit family is a heartbreaking experience. The person who took it hardest out of the crew was most definitely Vinny. He had run the Merch stall with her for the two months prior and on most of our other tours before. She was the one of the closest things he had to a family without actually being related, and it felt like being stabbed with a knife in the heart to see him cry. All of Courtney's family attended, including all of us too. There was not one person in that room who were not close to tears, to see such a young girl gone so soon, it was so fucking unexpected. Not that death was ever expected, but this? Courtney was twenty fucking three. She had barely even had a chance to live her life and now it was gone. It was so unfair, nobody ever deserved to pass away at that age, having not even lived a quarter of their life. The wooden coffin was surrounded by little things that she loved, and on top sat a photo frame. Of, not her and her actual family, of her and us. It was a picture taken during the recording of our documentary, straight to dvd, and we were all there. She was laughing, smiling and every single one of us knew we would miss her laughing And smiling. We were planning a new tour almost straight away but our plans had been ruined by this sad, so very fucking sad, death of one of our best friends. I wiped my eyes and patted the wooden box, wishing I could speak to her once more. I placed a single white rose beside it. Trying so desperately to hold myself together, I sat down. I sat beside Alex, who squeezed my hand. His eyes hadn't stopped watering in the few days we had known, and they were bloodshot. He smiled weakly at me as if to say 'Its going to be alright," but was it? No, it was fucking not going to be alright, sure it had been her last tour with us but every single one of us had just lost a best friend. I nodded back at him, not having the strength to even smile. I got physically sick when I found out, and I still felt like pure shit about it. Rian walked over to join us, looking dapper in his suit, but yet looking so upset. His eyes were red and puffy, and he looked exhausted. All of us knew very well that he hadn't slept in three days, that he had been up crying his eyes out, hoping no one heard. Courtney was probably closest to Rian out of the four of us, and he took it the worst. Not even Cassadee could cheer him up and he hadn't smiled his perfect, gleaming smile in days. He had barely eaten, and he was becoming incredibly ill due to this. He was losing weight, and he couldn't see that. We've all been so worried for one another, it's just been so hard on us all. Zack sat next to me, and he was the same. A wreck with bloodshot eyes and a broken heart. His lips were ruined from him biting them, even though we constantly told him to stop. We were all a complete mess, and could barely stand around one another without feeling the need to cry. I needed to take a moment to myself, and without saying a word, I stood up and left the crowded room. I walked outside and let out a deep breath. I ran my hands through my black-blond hair, stepping into the crisp, winter air. I put my head in my hands for a moment and gathered myself. I had never taken funerals in my stride, but this? This was the most heartbreaking of them all. The air was thick with grief and mourning, the sense of pure disbelief evident within the room. I walked around, my footsteps loud in the gravel. I was close to breaking point when I reached my car, and I sat into it. I shut the door and threw my head back, squinting my eyes. After screaming, 'Fuck!', I slammed my fist on the horn and broke down. I don't think people even realised how close we actually were to this girl, and I couldn't take being strong anymore. I put my elbows in the steering wheel, my head in my heads and I sobbed. I cried my eyes out until my throat started to hurt and punched the steering wheel once more before asking myself, why her? What did she do to deserve this? Jack fucking shit, that's what! She was a fucking angel, never did anything wrong, ever but yet she was the one who was now dead, about to be buried six feet beneath the ground. I switched on the radio to occupy my mind, but I couldn't help thinking. The doctors had dismissed her without a real investigation into how she passed away. She fell, that's what they said. She had a cold and she fucking fell. Bullshit!

I turned my head as I heard knocking on the window and saw Alex. I nodded and he sat into the passenger side.

"How you holding up?" He croaked. His voice was raspy and raw from all the crying. I simply shook my head and stared out the window. "She wouldn't want to see you like this, Jack. You've been out here for a half an hour crying." I ran both my hands through my hair.

"You wouldn't fucking know what she would have wanted! She would've have wanted to be alive, Alex! She wouldn't want to be fucking dead!" My voice cracked and he placed a hand on my shoulder. I took a few deep breaths and looked at Alex. He looked no better than me, it had really fucking affected every single one of us some way or another. "I'm sorry." I whispered, putting my head in my hands again. This had fucking broken us all, this was the most traumatic thing to ever happen to any of us during our time as a band. Relatives of our own have died, but that only affected one of us. This death; This death had affected each and every one of us, deeply. "Can we go?" I mumbled, not wanting to cry again.

"We can't. They still have to bury her, Jack. We need to be there." He said, his voice shaking.

"I don't want to be there! I can't stand this!" I screeched, full force punching the steering wheel this time, sending both Alex and I over the edge. We both broke down in tears once again, Letting out angry sobs. I hugged him and wiped his eyes.

"For Courtney. Be strong for Courtney." He sobbed and I stepped from the car, tears streaming down my face, as I went to find Cassadee, I needed a hug from a woman. I found her with Rian, of course, and the moment she looked into my eyes her face screwed up and her lip started go quiver. She pulled me in for a hug and I sobbed into her hair, as she rubbed my back. She shushed me and once I found myself calm again, I stepped back. She looked up at me and turned around.

"Jack, I am so sorry-"

"For my loss?" I said. "I'm so fucking sick of hearing that today. She was a great person," I mocked people who barely knew her. "Jesus Christ, today has been fucking tough, Cas." I ran a hand through my hair once again.

"I know, Its been tough for us all, but it's going to be alright, in the end. It always is."

"What if this is the exception? She meant so much to us all." I murmured the last part as I saw the coffin being brought out to be buried. It was taken to the hearse which had flowers in it. I cried when I first saw the hearse this morning as rather than the flowers being arranged to say 'Daughter' or 'sister' it said 'Merch Girl'. Her family knew how much she meant to all of us and felt we had a huge impact on her life. That's when I thought about it. We all needed a fucking explanation. She didn't just fall. She didn't just have a cold. Had she committed suicide? Had she been murdered? Or were they not bullshitting and telling us the truth, had she just made a horrible mistake and fell? I doubted it, but she had so much to live for and no one hated her. She held no grudges. It just didn't make sense as to how and why she's gone.

My arm around Alex's back and he did the same as we followed the hearse to the graveyard. It was silent with the odd whimper. I tried so hard not to cry again but burst into tears when the coffin was lowered into the grave. It shattered my heart to see her name on that gravestone, to see that she was actually gone, she wasn't coming back. She was about to be buried, gone forever. The rain poured down from the sky, drenching my brand new suit, but did I care? The suit was the last thing on my mind. Courtney was fucking dead. I would never ever see her little face again. My voice cracked as I threw my white rose down into the grave.

"See you around, Court." I whispered, a pool of tears already collecting in my eyes.