There's No Mathematics To Love And Loss

Chapter 3

Mike's broken out of his reverie by the sound of his cell phone ringing. He hurries to answer it, conscious of not waking the person in the next room.
"Hello?"
"Mike?"
He knows that voice immediately and dread drops into his gut. He hasn't heard this voice in over three years and now he can't imagine the reason for the call.
"What can I do for you, Jessica?"
"Skipping the pleasantries?"
"I know you didn't call just to chat."
"You're right, I didn't." The silence stretches out and Mike's almost tempted to hang up; he's too tired to be dealing with this. Just as he pulls the phone away from his ear Jessica speaks again, "Thought I'd make a courtesy call. He knows."
Mike drops the phone and just makes it to the bathroom, dropping to his knees in front of the toilet in time to throw up the contents of his stomach. He stays there for a while, the cool of the tiles permeating through his pants, a blissful contrast to the raging heat flowing through his body. He struggles to breathe as he thinks about what Jessica had said. Harvey finding out is the worst thing Mike could have ever imagined. He knows the older man doesn't want this, he never had any interest in Mike beyond sex and getting the job done and he was definitely never interested in settling down.
He loses track of time, unsure how long he's been sitting on the floor, clutching the toilet bowl as gasping breaths heave out of his chest, but when he stands and returns to the living room he finds his phone still lit up on the floor. He takes a few calming breaths before returning the phone to his ear, "What did he say?"
"He had a few choice words. He swore a lot, yelled at me for not telling him sooner. He's furious you never told him at all and he doesn't believe Donna didn't know." Jessica chuckles lightly but it's empty and Mike understands completely, he can imagine the scene perfectly.
"Why did you tell him?" Mike's heart is pounding inside his chest, he can't believe Jessica has done this. Before he left they'd made an agreement and he honestly never thought she'd break her end of the bargain.
"I thought it was about time he knew." Mike's blood boils and he's ready to start yelling, to tell Jessica it wasn't her place to decide but she cuts him off, "He's been missing you, Mike. He always has but now he doesn't even try to hide it. I thought it was time."
Mike doesn't understand, he can't comprehend the words he's hearing. He doesn't understand why Harvey would miss him, he doesn't understand how telling him about this would help if he did. He imagines it's just made him outstandingly mad.
"You had no right."
"He was spiralling, Mike. He wasn't doing anyone any good anymore and it's because he had lost you. I had to do what was best for the firm."
"What about what's best for us? Did you even think about how this would affect our lives?"
"Mike, you should know better than anyone how growing up without your parents can affect you."
Mike has no response to that, he knows she has a point, but he can't admit to it. It still hurts and the betrayal and the fear clutch at him like a physical ache, knowing that Harvey's not the kind of person to just let this be.
There's a reason he hadn't told the older man in the first place, he didn't want to be let down, not by the one person who meant more to him than anyone. He most definitely never wanted Harvey to be there because he'd felt forced, Mike wouldn't do that to himself. He remembers what Harvey had said back then, how adamant he'd been that he wasn't looking for anything permanent.
They'd slept together again a few times after that day, weeks of mindless sex void of any sort of feeling beyond pure want and desire. Harvey had invited Mike over to his condo to work on a case together, more than once, and every single time they'd ended up in bed together. It became almost routine for them and Harvey never made it personal despite the way he still seemed to care for Mike on some other level. Harvey only ever showed affection inside the bedroom and it messed with Mike's mind. Mike knew it was more for him though, more than just sex and blowing off some steam, and sometimes, the way Harvey looked at him, or touched him with the gentlest touch, he thought maybe his feelings were returned.
It was the night Harvey had randomly shown up at Mike's apartment that had changed everything. He'd shown up unannounced with no pretence, clearly he was there looking for a fuck. His senses seemed sharp and he was clearly on edge, desperate to fuck away his problems rather than dealing with them properly like an emotionally stable human being, and Mike could tell that. Still he let Harvey inside the apartment, he let Harvey use Mike's how he pleased, let Harvey fuck his frustrations away. Of course it was that night, when Harvey was troubled and not completely acting like himself, that Mike chose to open his stupid mouth.
They had been lying together in Mike's bed, spent after a marathon effort of mind-blowing orgasm after mind-blowing orgasm. Harvey was staring at the ceiling, panting for breath, Mike lying beside him staring at the older man. His heart was pounding, not just from the physical exertion he'd just put himself through, but because it was Harvey laying beside him. He had known for a while this wasn't simply physical for him, it wasn't just casual sex, and finally he couldn't keep his thoughts to himself anymore, "What's this all about?"
Harvey's head had snapped around to stare at him, "What?"
Mike gulped, immediately regretting having brought it up at all, "I just mean... what is this all about? Why are we doing this?"
"Because it's fun and we both like sex?" Harvey had looked at him completely perplexed like he had no idea what Mike was even asking him.
"But is it more than that?"
Harvey sat up suddenly and ran his fingers through his hair. By the time he turned to face Mike again his face was stoic and his resolve obviously set. Mike's stomach clenched in anticipation, he knew what was coming.
"Listen Mike, this isn't anything serious for me. We respect each other and I trusted you not to make a big deal about this, that's why I let it continue. I'm not looking for anything permanent, I thought you got that. I'm sorry if I misunderstood."
Hurt took over and Mike felt gutted, his stomach revolting at the words his brain was processing. He knew Harvey, knew that in the past the older man had slept around a lot, but he also never believed he would choose Mike just for some random fuck. He honestly thought this was something more for both of them.
Harvey stared at him for the longest time, waiting for a response, before Mike finally figured that out and hurried to speak, "No, no, that's fine, I get it."
Harvey had let out a heavy breath and finally broke eye contact as he moved off the bed, "I should go."
Mike hadn't tried to stop him, he'd been too focused on trying to stop his heart from breaking, on convincing himself that this didn't matter, that he and Harvey could go back to what they'd once been. The door slamming had broken him out of his thoughts and suddenly the apartment was silent and Harvey was gone.