There's No Mathematics To Love And Loss

Chapter 14

"Daddy, can I go let Sam in?"

"Yeah of course, buddy."

Mike watches Harvey watch Matthew as he runs down the hall, further into the house and towards the backyard. He can already see the open fondness written all over Harvey's face and the loving desire burning in his eyes. In happier times, in moments of introspection when Mike wasn't feeling so cynical, he had a feeling deep in his stomach that this would happen, that when Harvey met his son he wouldn't want to let him go again. He's had a long time to think about this, to try and decipher whether his accelerating heartbeat is from love and relief or fear and panic. He still has no idea.

Harvey drops his eyes and regroups before looking up at Mike again, intentions blazing before he even opens his mouth, quiet and timid and completely unlike the Harvey Mike thought he knew, "Can I get to know him?"

There's a soft pounding surging through the house, getting louder as it approaches, loud giggles trailing behind it. Suddenly there's a golden retriever jumping onto Harvey's lap, licking at his face as the older man squirms and Mike struggles to keep himself from laughing, "Sam! Down!"

Matt's laughter squeals around the house, getting louder in Mike's ear as Matthew climbs up onto the sofa next to him, obviously finding the whole ordeal completely hilarious.

"Sorry about that." Mike says through open laughter after Sam climbs down from Harvey's lap and disappears down the hall. Matthew chases after him, laughing as he goes.

"It's fine." Harvey seems to genuinely mean it, "I didn't know you had a dog."

"Yeah, that's Sam. He's Matthew's pride and joy. I got him when Matty had just turned one."

"A baby and a puppy?" Harvey asks, amused and seemingly not at all surprised by Mike's actions.

"Some people called me crazy but I wanted them to grow up together."

"He's cute."

"Matt's cuter."

"I'd have to agree."

Mike lets silence fall over them again as he contemplates Harvey's earlier question, trying to figure out the best way to approach an answer.

"It's up to him. I'll talk to him about you, tell him properly who you are, and I'll let him make the decision." The doubt that clouds Harvey's expression concerns Mike. He's worried Harvey's going to slip back into anger, that he's going to demand things of Mike that the younger man isn't quite yet ready to deliver on. Instead he falls even quieter, the obvious tension in his heart pulling at Mike's own.

"Can you at least tell me about him?"

"What do you want to know?"

The reply is instantaneous, falling out of Harvey's mouth before Mike can even finish speaking, "Everything. I want to know everything about him."

"Okay." Mike takes a deep breath as he wracks his brain for the right things to say. He could talk about Matthew for days, he could ramble about his son until his heart gave out but he struggles to find the right things to say to Harvey. He considers the things Harvey needs to hear, the things Mike wants to say, and the things that Harvey doesn't even deserve to know, not yet.

"His birthday is July 2nd. He's five, obviously." Mike laughs a little self-depreciatively, breaking eye contact for a moment, awkward and unsure while Harvey stares back at him, completely captivated. "The day he was born... He was perfect. From the minute he was born he was absolutely everything I never knew I'd been missing. There were so many times I'd wanted you there, for the sonograms, through the tests and the pain, but when he was born... That was the first time it felt wrong that you weren't there. I almost called you, crying and desperate and ready to plead for you to just be there."