There's No Mathematics To Love And Loss

Chapter 15

It doesn't hit Mike until the three of them sitting down at the dining table to eat. This is a family routine, family's sit down together to eat a home cooked meal, talking about their lives, sharing love and laughter. It freaks him out and makes him quiet, focused mostly on the spaghetti in front of him.

"Daddy?"

Mike's head snaps up and he realises belatedly he'd forgotten to cut up Matthew's strands of pasta. The kid loves spaghetti, probably as much as Mike loves pizza now, but he has trouble with the long strands still, preferring Mike cut them up into smaller pieces, easier for his tiny teeth to chew at.

"Oh sorry, buddy."

Mike moves to stand and help Matthew but Harvey beats him to it. Before Mike can properly process what's happening, Harvey's crouched himself down to Matthew's height and is helping him cut his pasta, whispering too quietly for Mike to make out exactly what is being said. Matthew's smiling though, laughing occasionally and staring at Harvey with bright eyes. Mike can't find it in himself to interrupt and he wonders then how comfortable Matthew feels with Harvey, if the bond between parent and child is instinctual and both are acting on it unawares.

"Thank you Harvey." Matthew mutters up at him when he's finished and returning to his own seat. Mike takes a sip of wine, hiding behind the glass to hide his emotions, knowing that love and fear and longing will all be present on his face and he can't let Harvey see that just yet.

*****

Dinner passes by at once both too slowly and much too quickly for Mike's liking. He misses Harvey the moment he's gone, the older man's mere presence having made him feel settled like he hadn't been in years, reminding him of all the good memories he hadn't allowed himself to think about since he'd left the firm all those years ago.

He's relieved, however, to have the opportunity to have time with Matthew alone, to put him to bed and read to him like they've become so used to doing. It's a nightly routine Mike loves and he dreads the day Matthew outgrows it.

When they're finished reading together, when Matthew's finally settled enough to sleep, Mike puts the book aside and cuddles his son closer, "Matty? I want to talk to you about something before we go to sleep, okay?"

"Okay." Matthew smiles up at him and leans in for a quick kiss before settling down again. Mike's certain he's about to be sick; this level of nervousness cannot be normal. He's absolutely terrified that Matt isn't going to take this well but he knows it has to be done.

"You know how you once asked me where your mummy is and I said that I'm your mummy and your daddy?" He waits for Matt to nod in agreement before continuing, "Well, that's true, but you have another daddy as well."

"I have two daddies?"

"Yeah." Mike smiles softly, thankful his explanation worked and he didn't need to try another way.

"Okay..." The agreement comes more hesitantly this time but Matt nods again and seems to understand well enough.

"So I didn't want to tell you straight away but I'm going to tell you something now. Harvey, that you met today, he's your other daddy."

Matt stares at him silently for a few moments before breaking eye contact and looking away from Mike completely. He pulls his teddy closer to his chest and Mike can see flashes of anger, sadness and confusion fighting over his son's expression but waits him out. He knows Matt will speak again when he's figured it all out.

When he finally turns back he looks an odd combination of angry acceptance and Mike has no idea where this is going to go, "Okay. Is that why he was here today?"

"Yeah, he wanted to meet you. He didn't even know about you until yesterday."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"I haven't talked to him since before you were born."

"Oh." The anger morphs into sadness and Mike hates himself for all of this. "Is he going to keep coming over to see me?"

"If you'd like him to." Mike tries to perk up, to insert some lightness into his voice. "He wants to get to know you but it's up to you if you want to or not."

"I think I do." The response comes much quicker than Mike was expecting, even with the traces of caution present in Matt's voice.

"Okay I'll let him know." Mike pulls Matt closer to him, kissing the top of his son's head and holding on tight, relief and anxiety both flooding through him.

"Do I have to call him Daddy though?" Matthew's whisper floats up to him, "You're my Daddy."

Mike kisses his forehead softly and pushes the golden locks back from his forehead, "You don't have to. You can call him Papa if you want? Or you can just call him Harvey if you want to. It's completely up to you."

Matthew suddenly crawls up into Mike's lap, both arms thrown around Mike's neck as he hugs him close, "I love you Daddy."

"I love you too buddy."