Be My Smile

Chapter 11 - Kiss

"We need to talk..."

How is it possible that my own words hurt so much... I kept my head down, my hair covering most of my eyes, but even so, I could see her smile disappearing.

"Gray-sama, before you say anythin-"

"Stay away from me." I could see her wide eyes and pained expression. She was moving her lips as if her words were stuck in her throat.

"G-Gray-sama... Y-You wouldn't do that... R-Right?" My silence was her answer and I heard her gasp.

"I'm sorry. I can't keep risking your life."

"BUT JUVIA DOESN'T CARE! SHE JUST WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, GRAY-SAMA! Don't... Don't do this..." I saw her take her hand to her heart and started doing gestures, as if trying to rip it out of her chest. It took a while for me to understand I was doing the same thing. What can I say? It hurts...

"Juvia, what would I do if you died? Because of me, none the less? I would just kill myself after that! Is that what you want?" I made a pause. "You can't be this close to me. No one can be that close to me." After that, I saw her clean her tears and take a deep breath. Her hand was still on her chest and she looked at me waiting for me to talk. "Just... Just don't come close to me... Live your life freely and don't worry anymore... I'll tell the others you woke up." I got up from my chair after pushing the button to call a doctor and get out of the room. I didn't miss to hear her sobs while I did so but I was already too hurt to go back. And too hurt to think about it.

It was raining hard, together with the snow, it made a rather big storm. I tried to ignore the fact that I would be soaked when I got home and hurried up out of this hospital.

I called Natsu saying that Juvia was awake and he said he would go there with the girls and Lyon, so the apartment would be empty. It would be good to be alone but... I decided to go to the bar. I haven't been there for two weeks so, why not?

I could imagine exactly what would happen when I walked through that doors. Even when I haven't been here for a few days. The McMillan's pub was still a place for friends, joy, happiness, laughter and... For me. I still couldn't fit in that description. Not at all. Not even my looks called out for a happy person. I was an ice person... I was alone again...

And knowing that, I didnt want to stay here. It reminded me of when she wasn't part of my life... But... That's exactly why I have to be here. I just have to forget her... She's better without me anyway...

When I got out of the bar, I realized that... It had just been boring to be there. I went back to my old routine but... It wasn't the same thing... But I just have to keep going. I'll do it. If she's better without me than I have nothing to lose either.
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Three weeks since I last saw her at the hospital.

And I'm nowhere close to forgetting her. I realized that my hair actually needs to be brushed or it's just a big mess. And I'm always eager to go to the park, cause she was always there but I know I can't... Well... I can, she's in the hospital, she won't be there. Maybe I could go just for a moment... Aargh! No! That'll remind me of her! As if I'm not depressed enough...

I had been looking at it from my kitchen's window and I was shaking my head every time I remembered something I did with her. I never thought I could be such a mess. I don't understand, it's almost the same things I did before I met her... Natsu entered the kitchen.

"Damn it Popsicle, just go! She won't be there anyways! I'm sick of seeing your depressed expression every time I bump into you! Just. Go." I looked at him. Maybe I can go there... But not because that hot headed idiot said so. I still have enough common sense not to do something cause he told me to.  And it has only been three weeks... No one recovers that fast...