The Three Perfections

Ch 4: The Stranger

“If everything is imperfect in this imperfect world, love is most perfect in its perfect imperfection.”             ~ Gunnar Björnstrand

Chapter Four:  The Stranger

Abram's words catch me completely of guard, and confusion sets in.  Was he really saying what I thought he was?  My mind begins to spin, and I feel slightly dizzy.  I am completely overwhelmed. 

Abram is my friend, a very close friend, but I am not sure that my feelings go beyond that.  I have the feeling that things between us are about to get pretty complicated, and that frightens me.  One thing that I love about our friendship is that it is open and honest, and completely uncomplicated.  The idea that this might change terrifies, and saddens me. 

I open my mouth wanting to say something, but quickly close it again.  Words are completely escaping me. 

Abram turns to face me. “I have wanted to tell you this for a while now, but I didn’t have the courage until tonight.  I was afraid that if you didn’t feel the same way about me, that it would drive you away.  I can’t lose you, but I also can’t keep hiding the way I feel.”   

I am so stunned by Abram’s sudden and unexpected confession, that I have a hard time forming a coherent thought.  I honestly am not sure how I feel about Abram in that regards. We grew up together, and you can’t help but have strong feelings for someone that you are that close with, but I am not sure that I have romantic feelings towards him.  But, at the same time, I am also not so sure that I don’t have those types of feelings for him either. 

On occasion I have caught myself studying his features, and I have found myself completely captivated by him in those moments.  But I had always assumed that was because I admire him; because I think of him as a beautiful and amazing person, both inside and out.  Was I actually attracted to him, and just didn’t realize it?  Was that even possible?  I know that I love Abram. He is like a brother to me ….But, am I in love with him? I honestly don’t know.

“I don’t know what to say… “, I am surprised by the sound of my own voice.  It sounds extremely shaky and uncertain; completely out of character for me.

“I don’t expect you to say anything.  I didn’t tell you this, because I wanted you to tell me how you feel about me.  I just couldn’t keep it from you anymore.  It felt like I was keeping secrets from you, and it just didn’t feel right.  It was eating me up inside, and I felt like you deserved to know.  I won’t lie, and tell you that I don’t hope that you feel the same way about me, but I respect your feelings whatever they may be.  I just pray that I haven’t lost you by telling you this.”

His blue eyes look both hopeful and fearful at the same time.

I can’t begin to process everything that has occurred in the past twelve hours.  My brain is experiencing overload, and I am afraid that if I try to make sense of all of it tonight, that I will be jeopardizing my sanity.  I feel like I am coming apart at the seams, and I want desperately to climb into my bed, and put this day behind me.  But, I know that climbing into bed is a long way off.  

“I think that I need some time to sort out all of my feelings.  So much has happened today with my Father, and my Mother, and now this… I am completely overwhelmed.  I honestly can’t tell you how I feel about anything right now, but what I can tell you is that you haven’t lost me.”

I give him as much of a smile as I can conjure up under the circumstances.

“I completely understand….  It has been a very long day.” He says.