The Boy I Married [hold]

09 | Vicious Cycle of Self Loathing

Justin

Tonight's show went off without a hitch. There was something about this crowd tonight that reminded me why touring had become such a big part of my job. The stage was my natural habitat. There was almost nothing that could equate to the euphoric sensation of being on stage in front of the people that believed in me the most. It gave me a sense of security that even words couldn't explain. The crew unloaded the arena and everyone broke into their usual cliques. Though tonight went almost perfectly, there was still that measly voice echoing in the midst of my subconscious reminding me how bad of a husband I must've looked like.

Lying to the one person that I vowed to be honest with was what managed to trap me into a vicious cycle of self loathing. The repercussion for my actions justified the self made feelings. My wife didn't deserve the treatment that I was giving her. I'd taken away something I knew she wanted because I wanted to prove myself to a bunch of idiots that held absolutely no weight in my life. Keeping this from her any longer would be nothing short of devious. I made up my mind and decided that tonight was the night that coming clean was my only option. Regardless of how she was going to react to me afterwards. She needed to know.

I pulled my phone from my back pocket and plopped down on the sofa before dialing her number. My longing to hear her voice today triggered an unexpected twitching in my legs. Instead, an automated voicemail sounded. She must've been sleeping or busy.

The only logical solution for this problem was having the reversal surgery Marcus mentioned. While scrolling the web for endless reviews, somehow I managed to find the dark side of vasectomy reversals. One man said after his surgery, he couldn't get it up anymore, let alone ejaculate.

Yikes. My skin crawled at the thought.

The rest of the night faded right before me. Going to sleep without talking to my wife always put a dapper on my mind so I figured I'd book our tickets for our vacation. Brooke didn't know, but I ended up choosing Barbados as our destination spot. It was beautiful this time of year and I knew that she would absolutely fall in love with it just as I had.

Once midnight rolled around and Brooke still hadn't called, I realized waiting any longer was pointless. The walk back to the hotel screamed distastefully in my mind and suddenly the sofa had become the most comfortable thing on my mind and the presidential suit waiting for me upstairs would go unslept in.

The next day was planned to perfection down to the last second. Scooter arranged for the entire crew to meet up with local schools and communities in need of help with the lack of materials and resources. The better half of the day was spent recreating classrooms with the staff as well as supplying them with everything they needed to last a few years. Helping people had always been my calling. My purpose in a sense. Whether it be lyrically, inspirationally, or physically. It made me feel good inside and I wouldn't change that feeling for anything.

Around noon Brooke had finally returned my phone call. Last night was a blur to her, she told me. Her and Jacob spent hours looking over layout themes for the new and improved Balzac's. She insisted on keeping the name a secret from me until they had gotten it trademarked. The excitement from her about this was something that made her investing behind my back not so hurtful. That was why it was hard for me to even think of being mad at her for investing. Brooke hadn't been the same for quite some time and this was something she expressed a grade amount of excitement in and it would be selfish of me to try and take that from her.

Depression had a way of sneak attacking her to the point where she would wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air, or screaming at the top of her lungs.

She had been through more than she was willing to tell me about and that only made comforting her harder. Balzca's was something to distract her from our fertility problems and the underlying issues she was too afraid to talk about with me.

"You talk now."

With everything in me I just wanted to say it straight up. Though knots formed in the pit of my abdomen and my mouth held my tongue hostage.

"Justin? Are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm here. Just thinking." The line stayed quiet for a while and I figured she was allowing me silence to think about whatever she thought was churning in my head.

"I can't wait to see you, baby," she had said with a smile on her face. I could tell by the way the words slipped from her lips. "I just want you to hold me and tell me that everything is going to work out the way it's meant to. I want you to kiss me like you used to."

We'd talked a little bit more until she mentioned she had to go and try to explain something to Jacob, and that she would call back before bed.

I wanted at least one of us to go to Barbados stress free. Telling her now would get in the way of that and I couldn't let that happen. We needed this vacation.

When the other line went dead, I plugged my phone into its charger and cuddled up on the sofa. Something bothered my mind for a while until I managed to understand just exactly it was. The feeling of touring made itself known. Jealousy was something Brooke and I wanted to keep out of our marriage, but I couldn't for the life of me shake the feeling of knowing my wife was spending time with another man beyond the hours of midnight.

It wasn't my place to tell her she couldn't. In her mind it would probably seem like the Dylan situation all over again and I wanted nothing to do with anything he had put her through. She deserved to be able to spend time with whoever she wanted to without having to worry if I would become jealous or overprotective. So despite allowing the feelings to eat me alive, I shut my eyes and waited for sleep to take me away.

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Super short chapter. I have this amazing vision for this story and I really hope I can follow through with it.