The Boy I Married [hold]

19| At My Expense

Laurie and Michael Bennett. Hidden by the likes of a disguise that no one had been able to uncover but my husband who'd been sound asleep beside me. He offered to stay with me tonight—probably fearing the reintroduction to my supposed dead parents who weren't really my parents would cause me discomfort throughout the night. That he was right about. I tossed and turned, until adhering to the uneasiness keeping me wide awake. How could they be back? Why were they back and why the hell did I give a rats ass about it when all they brought me was hurt, deception and confusion? 

My entire life became a lie the moment they took me from my parents and still my thoughts revolved around them and their identity swap. Attempting to rid themselves of the last of me in a fake fatal accident wasn't enough. No. They had to resurface with a new name and makeover as a way of concluding any involvement to me or the tragedy that happened to be my life that they left behind. Of course sleep would be far from me. Throughout the night, my mind stayed on them, my infidelity, Justin's vasectomy, Balzac's, whatever Justin and Jacob talked about in that bathroom, my pregnancy, and how I was going to tell my mother and law. It wasn't until light beamed through the window and the sounding alarm attempting to wake Justin up did I realize an entire night had seamlessly slipped me by. And still, my mind never rested.

"Good Morning," he said, planting a firm kiss on my cheek before returning to his side of the bed. Even though we were no longer arguing, a pestilent level of distrust persisted. "I hope those bags under your eyes are due to the abundance of sleep you got last night and not because you didn't." But Justin already knew there was no need for me to lie. "Babe, C'mon. You're pregnant. You can't allow stress to take you over. Maybe I should cancel the appointment today so you can catch on some much needed rest."

Something about the way Justin had been oddly pleasant with me this morning felt indigestible. Especially because he knew today would be the day we found out the truth about the paternity and the day I cut ties with Balzac's—more specifically, Jacob.

"No, no. We should go. I can't go on not knowing the truth. And you're right. I'll do better tonight," I smile. It was the only thing keeping me from drowning in the tears that managed to stay locked away during my restlessness. "I'll be fine. Let's just get ready for the appointment and then we'll decide the next move after." Because who knew what we'd be after that appointment?

It wasn't that I didn't believe Justin about his desire of forgiveness because I did or at least I wanted to. But how could he if this baby happened to be Jacob's? How would he be able to look at me when I could barely look at myself? Until then, he and I felt worlds apart. Today may well be the day I lose my marriage and the man I considered my best friend.

If this baby was Jacob's, I didn't want to accept the possibility that Justin might convince me into abortion. And maybe that wasn't a fair assessment of Justin or his character—but it's all I imagined could save us. What would be left to lose if it hadn't? My sanity had already been fading to black. There would be nothing left of us. Of me.

The drive to the doctors office was nothing short of silent. Tension had become a common occurrence between Justin and I even though we agreed to let the past be just that. Truthfully, we were still struggling to come to terms with it all. A week had already managed to slip by and since then, any conversation of substance we had ended in one of us having hurt feelings.

It was Justin's vasectomy reversal surgery scheduled in a week that caused the tension to reached its peak. One, because I couldn't for the life of me be as forgiving as he had been and I hated how guilty my inability to forgive Justin made me feel. Yes, I was the one who broke our vows and my commitment to him, but in a way, so did he. Having a surgery that prevented us from conceiving in the midst of my desperation to bare a child was not honoring me in any way.