Numbers || Andy Biersack

chapter sixteen

It sort of feels like I'm drowning. When I was five, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out into the pool in the backyard and try to swim. I'd seen people do it on TV and I'd wanted to attempt it. Normally, you don't remember a lot when you're that young, but this memory was vivid. As soon as I crashed through the aquamarine surface, I could feel myself panicking. Water swelled into my lungs and my heart pounded faster than ever. I felt like I was suffocating, buried under the weight of the world. I had tried to break free from the chlorinated water, waving my arms through the water frantically, but I could only feel myself sinking deeper and deeper.

Every strangled cry only made it worse and my eyes burned with chlorine and tears. For a five year old with little knowledge of the world, I had somehow still understood what a deep mistake this had been and how close to something awful I was. 

Suddenly, the water rippled with motion and my tired eyes watched as my dad gripped me firmly and pulled me out of the pool. I coughed and my mom cried and the world seemed brighter all around me.

The words that fell from Andy's lips were just like drowning that time. I was suffocated, water filling my lungs, and an awful feeling wrapping around my bones. But this time no one was here to save me and I was sinking fast.

I couldn't breathe. I was standing in Andy's living room, inhaling oxygen but I couldn't fucking breathe. Somehow, with shaking hands and tears breaking their way past my barriers, I questioned, "What? I-I don't-" 

Andy looked tortured, but it couldn't be anywhere near what I felt. He couldn't feel this tragic, wrecked feeling that swelled through every inch of my body. 

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice wavering. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"How do you go from breaking up with someone to marrying them?" I inquired unbelievably. My heart was shattering. I could feel the shards poking their way against my ribs and through my flesh. I had never felt like this before and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle it.

"She's pregnant," Andy announced. "Two months along. And I can't just let her go through that alone, I can't just leave her like that. I can't let my kid grow up without a dad just because I'm scared and in love with someone else. I can't do that."

"I thought you weren't sleeping together," I stated, my words coming out breathlessly. "You said... God, did you lie about everything? Was this like a fucking game to you or something?"

"No, please, I didn't lie. I love you. I never lied about that. I'd never do that to you, kitten, you fucking know that."

"Don't call me that! You can't call me that." Tears are streaming down my cheeks, hot and fast.

"Juliet was angry and suspicious and she thought that I wasn't attracted to her or something. She was on birth control, but I don't know." He was pleading, as though he could beg me back into his arms. "I couldn't let her think it was her fault."

"What does this have to do with you being engaged?"

"I'm not a good person, but I'm trying. And if Juliet is having my kid, I have to be some semblance of honorable. I just... she was crying and she kept apologizing, saying she'd ruined my life. Ruined everything. And she didn't, she didn't, it was just as much my fault. And I'm 30, Kourt, I'm not 16. One thing I love about you is that you make me feel like I'm some carefree teenager, but I'm really not. I should be having kids and settling down. I know that's what Juliet wants, and I want to be a good person.

"I don't want this. I can't raise a kid. I'm supposed to care, right? I'm supposed to think about being a dad and wanting this baby, but I don't and I don't know what to do. But I have to be there, I have to be there for Juliet. So I proposed, told her I'd get a ring soon, and we'd get married because she deserves that shit, you know? She's spent years dealing with me and she's never complained that I don't want to marry her or have a family, even though I know she wants that. So I proposed because I didn't know what else to do." Andy runs a hand across his face, agitation and pure hopelessness visible.