Hydrangeas In Winter

T H R E E

2017

New York City

"Hey guys, look who I found!" Aaron hollers from across the lobby, catching all ears and silencing the low murmurs for a second. I zone out completely, my mind stops working, I can't think at all. Helpless, panicked, numb, that's how it feels. When the constant hum returns to my ears after having left me deaf at the sight of him, I turn around to face the painting again, hastily looking for my phone.

In this moment I wish I had more friends, I wish someone could call me for real so that I could be busy on the phone for real. But my non-existent acting skills would have to do for now. I haven't seen him in more than four years, it's exactly the kind of situation I don't want myself in. So I press the phone to my ear and move a few steps away. If I can keep this up long enough, he won't even notice me.

"Landon!" Safiya exclaims, more excited than she sounded fifteen seconds ago, "What a surprise," I cross my arm over my chest, nodding my head slightly as if in the middle of a serious conversation. Even though my mind is all sorts of scatter, I unconsciously tell myself that I'm doing better than I thought I could.

"Safiya," He says, his voice glides through the air and settling down on my skin like fine snowflakes, melting with the fever that's slowly taking over me. Shit, I close my eyes to distract myself but it only gets worse.

I imagine myself visibly shaking, I imagine the phone slipping out of my sweaty palm and falling face down on the floor, I imagine myself having to pick it up, I imagine myself falling, I imagine crying, and I wonder what it would feel like. Things go differently in my head, I'm tripping, and falling, and bleeding, and bawling all the same time but this isn't just in my head. I am actually shaking, my palms are actually sweaty, there's a thunderstorm inside of me.

Safe to say, I'm not doing so well anymore.

"I'd heard from my mother you were in New York..." Landon adds. Saf giggles, part genuine, part nervous. I try to focus on my breathing.

"Ah, I guess, our mothers have finally run out of gossip," She says. She sounds so at ease, I'm surprised, it's been years. Hell, I can't be at ease with someone I last talked to two days ago. Meanwhile, I wait for the storm to pass. I try to zone them out, but his voice keeps bringing my attention back to their conversation. I can't wait to rush outside and go home already. Now, more than ever.

"Your phone's upside down..." says Landon from behind me. Busted. I squeeze my eyes shut and exhale rather shakily as I pray that he isn't talking to me, "Hana, you can stop pretending you're on a call now." he adds. He's definitely talking to me. My exploding heart falls to the floor with such force that I could've gone down with it. Defeated, I slide my phone back inside my purse and turn around. And there he is, all dark hair, brown eyes, smirking down at me.

"I wasn't," I tell him, narrowing my eyes in hopes of not seeming as dumbfounded as I feel.

"It's nice to see you," He says, ignoring my rigid behavior completely. Looking at him now, up close, I don't just feel the build-up of anger inside me raging but I also witness it seeping out of my pores in fumes of gray. I'm almost having an outer body experience.

I struggle for words to say to him. I want to tell him that it's not nice at all, not for me. I want to tell him that he these are words he can't say, not to me. I want to tell him that I hope we never bump into each other again, ever again. I want to tell him he was wrong. I want to physically hurt him. I want to tell him I'd rather forget that he exists at all.

But I can't bring myself to. He can't know how awful it feels to see him, here, right now, to have him inches away. So I just stare at the floor, petting my anger on my sleeve like a vulture. I wait for feeling to kick back into my legs. And when I can finally move, I walk away.

***

Twenty minutes into the traffic, I let go of my nerves, not completely...but for now, it works. I rub both my palms over my heated face. When I feel an unwanted wetness on them, I pull my hands back to examine them. My bottom lip quivers involuntarily so I rub both my palms down my jacket and take a couple of deep breaths.

Then I decide to turn my phone on and tell Saf that I'm heading home but there's already three texts from her, two asking where I am and one saying that she's coming home too. Of course, she figured it out, where else could I go. There's also a few missed calls from a blocked number but I don't care enough to call back right now.

I throw my head back and close my eyes. There's a noise in my head. It's not like I never expected this to happen. I knew Landon was in New York before I got the job, I was fully aware that someday our paths could cross. But maybe I just assumed it wouldn't be this way. I also assumed I'd either take it really well or really badly. I down the bottle of water a stranger handed me on the sidewalk, the taste of vomit still lingering in my mouth. I groan into my palm again and decide to not think about it anymore. The noise resides in my ears now, If I try to stop it, it only grows.

I straighten myself and put my attention into counting the all moths outside window without letting the lights blind me.

When the cab comes to a halt, I half expect it to be another red light but it's time for me to get down. I sigh with relief rushing all through my body as I step out, glad that I'm minutes away from holing up in my room and shutting the noise out. As I back away from the cab after making the payment, my back bumps into someone. Startled, I turn around to find a stranger staring back at me. That's when I see it, the crowd surrounding the building.

The constant murmurs mix with the sirens of the fire brigade and police cars. At first, I'm too scared to ask, I don't want to add to the panic. I step back to look up to the clouds of black smoke rising out of multiple windows. My heart starts to sink when I realize that it's coming out a window from the same floor as mine.

"Hana!" I turn to the sound of Saf's voice as she rushes toward me. Something about the way she looks at me tells me she already knows. And I try too hard to block the noise. I think if I don't think too much, it might detach itself from me and fall off.

I didn't see Landon tonight.

I didn't throw up on the side of the street after.

There wasn't a fire right next to my apartment.

I am not having the worst night.

Someone out there has it harder in life than this.

That's when I realize it; I'm buzzing, silent as the breeze that lifts the smoke upward, at the top of my lungs like the sirens, as bright as the constant flash of red and blue. That's why the noise won't go away, the noise is me.