Hydrangeas In Winter

O N E

2017

New York City

A stray moth floats into my bathroom through the open window. I follow its wide wings with my gaze as they flutter around without aim, a warmth following its trail, almost as if it knows the way around. I follow it wall to wall, until it settles on the mirror, staring into my refection. I can feel it crawling across the ridges of my warm face even though it only walks over the smooth surface of the cold mirror.

I reach up to touch my face, in hopes to catch it, because I never do. I'm always this close but I never can. The door flies open and it flutters away into the chronic noise of the streets of New York City. I'm pretty sure it won't survive the night.

Safiya makes a weird noise as she appears in the doorway; I can't tell if it's a groan or a sigh, it's something in the middle. Or maybe it's both, because I was supposed to be ready to go by now.

"I swear to god, if I have to drag you out looking like this, I will," She declares as I reluctantly continue putting on the mascara that I left on the sink to follow the moth.

"Or, you could just leave me here..." I suggest, pinching my cheeks to get some color into my ashy face.

"You need to get out of the house more often, Hana!" she whines, shoving me aside to check herself out in the mirror. In a corner, I throw on a dress and pull my hair out of the back as I roll my eyes. I've been taking it slow all evening, hoping she'd just let me stay back, hoping she'd leave me alone.

"I do go out," I tell her and track my way back into my bedroom to put on my shoes.

"To the office? Are you kidding me?" she shadows me, still in the middle of applying her lipstick. "God, stop it, Hana, you're missing out on all of the good things." Dramatically exiting my room, Safiya heads out to the living area.

I sit wondering on the dressing bench when I finish lacing my boots up. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time I went out like this. Oh wait, I went to Aspen three weeks ago, but I'd rather erase that trip from my memory completely. As my hands rest on the cushion next to me, I feel the roots of the room start to entwine with my fingers, almost like a hand, clasping onto mine. I brush them off, stand up and follow her outside.

"But can we not go to a club? I'm pretty sure there are better 'good things' that you could help me not miss out on."

"I already asked Aaron to come," Saf whips around to face me and downs a shot of vodka. Her face scrunches as she swallows, "and...he's bringing his hot friends along, that's already more than you bargained for." Saf peers as me with her huge brown eyes. Jutting her bright pink bottom lip out, she puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. "I know this is the last thing you want, but it's alright to have a little fun, you know."

She turns around to grab another shot glass and hands it to me. "Drink up," she chirps and I down the shot just because I know that I would need this extra courage later.

"Thanks, but no thanks; you can keep all of Aaron's hot friends." I tell her as I wipe mouth on the back of my arm. I roll my eyes away from her, I'm pretty sure those are my mother's words in her mouth. She giggles, knowing how just how mad she makes me.

"Your mother trusts me with your well-being, taking you out and making sure you don't lose your shit is my job," she tells me.

Of course, my mother keeps in touch with my best friend since she can barely get to me. Of course, my mother still wants the reigns to my life in her hands. Of course, she still pretends to care about me. But these are things I've known for a long time, so instead of thinking about my mother and her ways and getting myself exasperated, I take upon myself the excruciating task of hailing us a cab.