Hydrangeas In Winter

F I V E

2017

New York

I lay in bed even after having woken up almost an hour ago. On most days, waking up doesn't even seem real. It feels like I'm always in a dream, it's always cloudy, I'm always confused, and I know that I'm not going to remember it when I actually wake up, if I ever do.

I stare at the ceiling and a lone moth crawls across the molding, defying gravity. I raise my hands to touch it but I can't reach it, yet it seems like it's right in front of my face. I give up and let my arms fall to my sides. I'm pretty sure Safiya has decided to sleep in until noon and well Aaron, he can't be accounted for in his own apartment.

I wonder briefly about the fire. It was an accident; the apartment next to us was pretty charred. Luckily, no one was home and no one got hurt, but the whole floor had to be evacuated for at least a week so we packed a few important things and called Aaron to tell him that we were coming over. We got here late last night and crashed without a second thought. I didn't want to think about the events that occurred so I flipped and switch and turned myself off.

A knock on my door startles the moth and it flutters away to the window, where it struggles for escape but finds it eventually.

"Hana, are you up?" Saf grumbles on the other side of the door. I groan and slide off the bed to answer her.

"What is it?" I ask, swinging the door open. She's so sleepy she can't even open her eyes.

"Where's your phone?" she asks, I frown as I turn back to find it lying on the bedside table.

"I believe it is pretty dead, I didn't get to charge it last night. Why?" I ask, leaning against the doorway. Her eyes finally pop open. She gives me a tight smile and mutters something inside her mouth. "What?" I ask, she sighs and clears her throat.

"Your mom called to ask about you, call her back," she says, her fake smile widening.

"Did you tell her?" I ask, disappointed. She knows I can't deal with my mother. Her shoulders fall.

"I didn't, Aaron told our mom and then I think she told yours," she blurts. A piece of bread comes flying towards Safiya and hits her in the head. "Ow!" she whines.

"I told you not to blame it on me!" Aaron yells from the kitchen. Groaning, I step out of the room, push Saf to a side and head straight for Aaron's life. He drops the butter knife on the counter; I pick it up instantly and point at him as he backs up in a corner with both his hands.

"Have you not caused enough damage already?" I growl at him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Exactly, Aaron we're handling it like adults here, Han and I are alright and safe, why did you have to get the moms involved?" says Saf, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Mom called and we had nothing to talk about, so I told her you guys were here she asked why, it was a case of one thing led to another, I swear!" Aaron blurts in a hurry. I set the knife back down on the counter, still seething.

I don't know why I'm this angry at him, for turning my mother's attention toward me or Landon's. I want to keep yelling at him, right now, I have a strong urge to physically hurt him, but I can't blame him for something he doesn't even know about. "I'm sorry," he repeats.

"This is the last thing I needed, thanks Aaron," I say, it sounds like a bite.

"Han, chill it's just your mother." Safiya rolls her eyes. It makes me clutch at the edges of the counter to keep myself from exploding. But I hate the fact that she thinks it's that easy for me. I hate the fact that she talks to her and tells her about me behind my back. I hate the fact that she's my friend and she always sides with her.

"Just call her once, she's worried about you," she adds, and that does it for me. I close my eyes, I can feel my face heating up.

"She's anything but worried but you can't see it Saf, can you?" I say, my teeth clenching as I try hard to get a grip on myself. "I'm not going to call her, and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to her anymore."

Her arms fall to her side and she stares at me in disbelief.

"Hana she is genuinely concerned –"

"You don't know half the things she's done Saf, stop defending her!" I can't believe that she can even say that to me, knowing how I feel about her.

"Well, you don't tell me anything, how am I supposed to know?" she says, her eyes narrowing as she steps towards me.

"I don't have to tell you everything," I snap, shaking my head. She sighs and starts chewing on the inside of her cheek, I know that I'm hurting her, and I should probably be apologize right now, but I stand my ground; my anger, my mind, the fire, everything holds me there, seething but silent.

"Then I don't think you know what friends are for..." she says and walks straight into her room. It feels like a punch in my gut, only three times intensified.

I storm past Aaron into my room and lock it. I lie down on the bed and close my eyes, thinking that maybe then I'd stop seeing red, maybe then the tremors inside my chest would subside, maybe then, the slow burn in my eyes would fade. But nothing helps, not the deep breathing, the pacing or biting my nails, nothing. My heart still pounds feverishly; I still want to yell the place down.

I set my phone to charge and hop straight into the shower, hoping that would do the trick, it has to, I don't like feeling the way I do. Some fifteen minutes later, as I'm drying my damp hair, I pick up my phone and turn it on, and just like I expected I've only missed one call from my mother.

When I check my voicemails carefully, there is one from Renai, my colleague at work, asking if I'm interested in going out for sushi on Monday after work. I don't understand why she asked in the first place and why she couldn't have just have asked me on Monday. I text her that I'm busy after work, which I'm definitely not.

The only other voicemail is from an unknown number, which definitely isn't my mother. So, she was so worried and she left me no texts, no voicemail, nothing. At this point, I'm not even surprised, she always seems more worried to Safiya than to me. I shake my head and close my eyes again, I can't believe how well my mother can act like she cares, but for real, she couldn't give two shits about me or if I'm okay.

Sighing, I listen to the voicemail anyway.

"Hey Hana, it's...me. I was um...wondering if I could see you?"