Hydrangeas In Winter

NINE

2017

New York

I look at the watch on my wrist for the third time, hoping the seven minutes are almost over but to my dismay, it's not even been one full minute. I sigh, I don't know if I can even do this. I tell myself this is stupid ad start to feel frustrated with myself. With Safiya. With Landon's continuous gaze on me. Even though he's in the farthest corner of Aaron's closet, he's not far enough; I can tell that he's painfully still, I can tell that he's staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I take another step toward the door, until my shoulder is pressed against it.

"What are you doing?" he asks me. I close my eyes and choose to ignore it. I trust myself with this; I can tune him out. "Hana, I'm talking to you." Even with my eyes closed, I can sense that he's closer than he was before, and despite of the guard I have up around me, he bothers me. It bothers me that he's breathing so close to me . It bother me that even though I'm trying to block him out, his words are making my skin vibrate.

"Stop it, stop this – this – whatever you're doing," he says. I bite the insides of my cheeks and start to think of a song to hum but the only one that comes to my mind is the one Frank Sinatra song I'd rather forget. It adds to my existing frustration; it's making me clench my teeth. "Hana," he raises his voice slightly. "Why won't you talk to me?" I open my eyes to look at him; he stares at me like he can't believe me.

"Because I'm fucking mad at you Landon," I tell him, he blinks. I'm trying so hard not to yell at him that it's starting to rip me and I'm about to come undone at the seams. I wrap my arms around myself in a feeble attempt to keep myself together. "We only have five more minutes to go through and I'd prefer we don't talk at all." He stops breathing, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Fine," his tone bites at my edges. It sounds like he's hurt. Good.

I turn away and press my forehead against the cold door. I'm vibrating again. I keep telling myself this was nothing, it was literally nothing and yet I'm disappointed that he's still able to pierce my guard and affect me this way.

I try counting until the door opens but the silence starts to eat at me. Why is it that now that I've hurt him, even though only slightly, my heart feels heavier? I frown at the door. I continue counting, anticipating that the door would open any minute now but when I look at the watch again, we still have around five minutes in here. How is possible that it's not even been two full minutes?

I can hear him breathing even though he's back to his spot in the corner. I glance at him and he's staring at the floor with his hands in his pockets, seething. So he's the one who's angry now? How ironic. I only finish counting to twenty when I realize he might not be seething after all. When I look at Landon again, he's breathing heavily, still staring at the floor. When I keep staring at him, I notice the sweat misting his face. His breathing escalates but he's trying hard to control it. That's when it hits me, he's claustrophobic.

"Landon?" I step towards him but he shows me a palm and sinks down to the floor. My palms start to get sweaty. Shit. I try yelling out for Safiya but she's probably in the living room and she wouldn't hear me there.

"I'm fine." Landon tells me but he's clearly struggling. I cringe, this is so stupid, I should have just backed out of the game. I shouldn't have picked the closet. We wouldn't be here. I call for Safiya again but no one answers. I don't even have my phone on me.

"Do you have your phone?" I ask him.

"It's outside," he tells me, "I said I'm okay." His face is turning slightly blue.