Pretending to be Bukowski: A Poem Collection

Repeating History

Author's Note: Dedicated to E.

Why did we end up here again?
Here, in limbo, both reeling from painful scars,
Wanting nothing more than to bridge the gap,
The one that separates two who were once inseparable.
You and I are a set of fireworks, the fuse repeatedly lit,
But with no loud sound or destruction following.
We are ashes refusing to fizzle out, but we can barely hold onto the last strands of flame we have.

Why do we hold onto pain, after all this time?
This pain of passion leading to uncertainty and then to fear,
Cycling through over and over,
Twisting sharp instruments into our wounds until someone finally fights back.
This has been our routine for seemingly forever, with no sign of slowing down or stopping.
We're cogs in a murderous machine hellbent on killing one or both of us any day now.
God only knows when it will finally succeed.

Why do we do this to each other?
This relationship has always been based on mutual love,
The only variables being what kind of love we've felt at any given time.
Despite loving each other, we only hurt each other,
One soul made of ice and the other of fire,
Desperate for the other but unable to truly meet.
We cling to each other for dear life and yet drive one another away at the same time.

Why do I only want you when I can't have you?
This need to be close to you is at its height when we've ended things again,
But it recedes as soon as my desires become a tangible reality.
It's not fair to you or me to feel like this.
We can't stay in any form of an "us" with this back and forth from you or me.
History repeats itself between us until all the stories run together and we're left black and blue,
Wondering what is keeping us apart and why we keep trying.

Why did we stop being friends?
This was purely friendship so long ago,
But something came along and threw a wrench in all our plans.
I miss the days when we were simple simplicity,
And now we'll never return to a time before confusion.
We are too far gone to go back to our roots,
Yet we struggle so desperately in vain to go back to normal.

Why don't we just let go?
This question is one that we can't seem to justify,
One that I ask myself almost daily.
I want to let go of you and have freedom for both of us,
But I can't bear to lose another piece of my heart.
Perhaps we've given this too much energy over the years,
And now letting go would be a waste of so much precious time.

When will this constant back and forth of highs and lows end?
Part of me wishes we would cut off all ties,
Live our lives as if we had never know each other.
Maybe it's better that way, to be strangers,
To forget that one person had once been ingrained in your very soul.
But no matter what, the question remains:
Why do all the outcomes hurt the same?