My Double Life

|| 8 || Dear Diary

It’s that feeling again but mixed with the emotion of confusion. I feel his breath dance upon my face benevolently. My eyes linger on his teal eyes and he starts gazing intensely. A caprice releases within my mind, caressing my thoughts into deep trust in the boy before me.

‘Bad idea, what about Ashton?’ My subconscious mind warns inwardly.

‘I know but I can’t. Just one kiss?’ I beg to my mind. The craving is now too strong to ignore. Our noses brush slightly against each other. My face suffuses when his fingers run slowly down my curly brown hair. The feeling is slightly different to Ashton’s touch; with Josh it’s lustful and greedy but with Ashton I feel protected like nothing will ever hurt me. Josh makes it feel treacherous like I’m about to fall with nothing catching me; despite the amount of times he has caught me. He holds me as if he desires my touch and everything I have. My lips finally meet his and I seal my sight away to contain my thoughts. I hold my breath and my heart beats so quickly and boisterously that I can hear it within my ears. My fingers glide through his soft blonde hair down to his neck. It’s like my mind isn’t in control anymore, my body is. I sit up and his arms curl around my waist, pulling me closer and sealing the only gap between our bodies. I feel heat radiating from his cheeks to mine. I clench my fist on the ground when he holds me tenser and his tongue makes a sly entrance between my lips. There is my mind fighting for control from the emotions of guilt, temptation and confusion. After many attempts it eventually gives up. My hand, that was on the ground, slither up his brawny arm and joins the other hand on his neck. The guilt of kissing Josh and at the same time, loving Ashton, hits me and I pull away. I don’t lose the gaze of his alluring teal eyes. Enigmatic as it is, it is still wistful, knowing what I have done.

“You should fall on me more often.” He smirks childishly. His grip is still tenacious, full of asperity.

“You’ll always catch me, I’m guessing?” I reply with a light laugh. Flaxen light gazes upon the two of us, a gentle breeze catching in our hair. Broken and beautiful leaves dance, scraping against the concrete.

“Even when you fall for me.” He kisses my nose cheekily then gets up to obtain his skateboard. My phone vibrates in my bag.

“Well, I should go.” I clear my throat and gather my belongings. He waves casually while I walk home. The skate park isn’t so far, just like the library. I figure that Josh would spend more time at the skate park. I walk with my head bowed down, trying to block out my mind telling me off for putting myself in this situation, a love triangle.  Sure, I’ve seen it in movies and it happens to my friends quite often, but I don’t know how to adapt to one. I’ll just prepare myself for the worst possible outcome, all three of our hearts broken. Mine isn’t broken yet, but it’s in the process of being torn in half for two different guys. Wait a second, the assignment I’m getting. I recall that class being English and Ashton and Josh being in that class. Hopefully, Mrs Campbell doesn’t pair me up with one of them because she doesn’t know about my personal life. I sigh knowing my circumstances while unlocking the door. Silence gratifies the hallway as I make my way through the front door. My parents must not be home yet. A note is left on the fridge, notifying me to not cook dinner. I smile to myself and bite my lip from my spontaneous kiss. Exuberance stirs within me as I stifle my squeal. I run upstairs and jump onto my bed, the pillows stumbling to the floor. Once I calm down, I stare in dullness at my ceiling, wondering about what I’ll do about Ashton.

My hand stretches upwards and accidentally hits the wall, unexpectedly I hear a sound and the wall starts breaking. A square piece detaches from it, I pull it off and drop it on my bed. The lilac paint has worn off, crumbling into my hands. My hand searches for something in the eerie hole in the wall. I find something in the shape of a book. When I pull it out, I blow the dust off it, revealing the cover, My Double Life. I remember this; it’s my diary from two years ago. I would write in it everyday, I ought to do that again. I place it in my school bag and put the piece back into its former place. My diary is safer in my possession, not in the wall. It contains my secrets and plans to keep my other life hidden. I should write about my love triangle so I can develop a plan out of that too. Writing is a good way to express my feelings, emotions and thoughts. I grab a black felt tip pen and my diary.