This is gonna be depressing as hell but I just need to rant to somebody that I know will listen instead of an empty spam book that's honestly growing dust but also because this mostly applies to just you but it's been very hard for me to open up to people lately because I'm terrified that if I say one wrong thing they'll immediately hate me and shut me out of their life because that happened with my cousin (my best friend) last August and I'm honestly terrified that if I say something wrong you'd hate me or something and I know you're not like that but I get really anxious and shit. I get scared that if I were to completely disappear nobody would notice so I've been meaning to just disappear on you and see if you would ever text or if you would even notice. Up until now, my entire summer's been full of holding pills in my hand and wondering if the pain would be worth it and therapist appointments and wondering if those friends that I was once so close to would ever reply to my texts and staring at ceilings and listening to the same stupid songs over and over again until those lyrics were engraved in my head and refreshing my Wattpad desperate for something more than a vote on a book I don't even care about and venting in Oneshots that will eventually be forgotten. It's probably some sort of obsession I have with you which is weird and unhealthy and shit and I'm sure it'll pass by Thursday but I dunno you made me so much happier. Because maybe my future will be okay and maybe I could be just like you and travel the country with my friends and go to concerts on my days off. And maybe for once, I'll be happy and free and I won't be stuck in some office job like my greatest fear.
Hell, I'm probably rambling way too much and you'll probably never read this unless you're lucky or curious enough but I doubt you are. You have better things to do than to worry about me.
God, I'm hopeless.
