i don't need your help //BWWM

clues

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TW: self loathing
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Adisa: Adisa's home

I was miserable, almost anything I did triggered me. I was starting to lose motivation. I was starting to lose interest in my hobbies. Everything was literally falling apart.

Even that party couldn't cheer me up. I mean I had fun, but the whole setting was depressing. Underage high and drunken kids everywhere. I just wanted to run back home. I mean Sabrina invited me, and I didn't have anything else to do.

I did meet some decent people at the party. Carl and Steph were at the party, we quickly acquainted. Their numbers were saved in my phone.

There was just one thing I couldn't forget at that party. Not the fact that the cops came. It was that kiss. That short meaningful kiss. I felt like I was on cloud 9. I can't wait until I see where this "friendship" goes.

I truly admired August. His eyes, his hair, his kindness. Even his feminine lavender scent. I was probably too much to handle for him. I'm too much for anyone.

Not even company made me happy for long. I wanted attention and only attention. I wasn't deserving of attention either. I still wanted the feel of attention though.

I woke up from my long ass nap. I looked a hot mess. I was bored so I decided to play with my hair. I loved mt 4C hair, it had grown so much. It took me awhile to love it. I went to my bathroom and gathered; my hair products.

I had my; Shea Moisture curl enhancing cream, coconut oil, and a homemade leave in conditioner. I decided to do the LOC method. Styling my hair took me about 45 minutes.

I then proceeded to do my makeup afterwards. I did instagram brows and a slightly bronze highlight. I started laughing at myself for getting ready. I literally had no plans today. I'd go out if someone texted me.

*ding*

Without further ado, I reached for my phone. Hm... A message from my mom, what could she want?

From Mom:

can you take Belle & Josesph out? y'know to their art class? starts in like 20 minutes. k thanks love you 💜

Well, there's something for me to do. I went to my drawer and picked out an outfit. My outfit was a black coat, white tee, blue jeans, with black uggs.

I rushed out of my room, and looked for my siblings.

"Hey, come on we gotta go to your art class!" I yelled.

Belle & Joseph both nodded. We rushed out the door. Their art class was only two blocks away. We finally made it. Surprisingly they weren't late.

When we walked in the building, I bumped my head. I was too tall for the door. I was instantly embarrassed. Good thing no one noticed except for Belle. She was laughing like a horse.

I sat down with them, while the teacher instructed. Kindergarteners were everywhere. I didn't like kids at all, so I was uncomfortable. I got use to them after 10 minutes. The helpers brought out canveses for the kids.

Belle & Joseph painted with harsh strokes. Just doing whatever with the paint. I helped them paint a bit too. I felt like we were growing a bound. We had a lengthy discussion on Blue's Clues. Their favorite show, I was raised with that show too.

*ding*

From Dad:

We're having a family movie night. I want to see you there. Not out at some party, Adisa. See you soon. Love Dad 💙

Just that "Love Dad" made me feel loved. I actually feel more included in this family. I felt like I mattered to someone. I felt like I was important to my family.

After the class was over, I walked my siblings to the washroom. Their hands were covered in paint. I picked Belle up to wash her hands. Next was Joseph, he always had this wash your hands song. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty catchy.

We made it out the door, and I held their hands. The whole walk home consisted of Blue's Clues songs. I had enjoyed this day out with my siblings.
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Adisa: Adisa's room

The whole family night was a flop. My parents fell asleep during the first 5 minutes. I put Belle & Joseph in their beds. Then read them to sleep.

Once again my family let me down. How are you gonna host a family event, but you fall asleep? My parents were silly, I couldn't take them seriously. They had upset me so much, I was used to it.

I sat down at my makeup desk. Looking at my appearance. I looked ugly after a long ass day. I had crazy hair and dark circles. I couldn't see how people found me attractive. Tears starting streaming down my face.

I hate you, Adisa. You're horrible. You've done no good. Do the world a favor, and end it all. These thoughts were wrapped around my mind. CONSTANTLY. I was starting to believe every single word.

I began to wrap my hair and put on my bonnet. I removed all my makeup with some makeup wipes. Yep still ugly. I felt like I had no purpose. How could I have a great day, then self loathe?

I was super exhausted so I headed to bed. I cried myself to sleep. This was starting to become an ugly pattern.
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