Worthless

Weekends

She's glad to get away from the crowded school, but now she's forced to stay with her family all weekend. She's forced to go to church where the God they worship says he "loves all his children" but thinks "gays are evil and sinners." She's been told she'll go to hell for loving someone the same gender. She flinches at the memory of dating her friend. Now she has someone new, who she knows is male. She hates how everyone uses a different name for him, different pronouns. She wants to yell at them and say "He's a boy! Can't you see you're hurting him! Look through my eyes and listen! Your precious God makes mistakes!" Yet she can't for fear of being hurt.

When he leaves for one weekend she's desperate. She wants to talk nonstop because she wants to cry and she wants to die. Every time its different. Sometimes she gets past it quickly and just misses him and wants his hugs. Other times she cries all weekend. Two different extremes. One strong and one weak. She always wants to die and he's the main person who can stop her. No one else is able to, not even her parents and brother. She'd rather die than face a long, terrible life.

They always talk on the phone about one thing then switch to promises and I love you's. It kills her when she pretends to be happy yet she is trying hard not to cry. She cuddles a blanket every night when she needs a feeling of him being there. She imagines its him. It is torture for him to be gone so long, at least when they did guard they saw each other. Then it was only class periods and a day, sometimes a break, that kept them apart. Now even in school she can't do anything and it is the one place she sees him at all anymore. She desperatly wants to run away and live at his home so she can spend all night cuddling with him.

Weekends are the worst things to her. She hates seeing him leave, hearing him say he can't talk. Her insecurities makes her think there's someone else. She hates thinking that, she knows its wrong, but nothing she says to herself and nothing anyone says stops it. She can't talk to her parents about it, they'll hate her guts. Her friends say "he loves you very much" but they can't always cheer her up. The only person she wants to hear anything from when she's close to calling death from his shadows is him. She only wants to hear "I love you" from him. She needs it when she's crying and alone in the dark again, but she knows she can't, and it is slowly killing her.

She's slowly dying everytime she thinks of what might happen. She's slowly dying when she imagines the day he breaks her. She's slowly dying when she thinks she's just being used. She's slowly dying. And she hates herself for it.