A Need to Suffer

Hurdles

We are getting to the dinner next I promise! LOL! Sorry, I ramble you know :P As always, if you like what you're reading, drop me a comment, and let me know! Just a few words goes a long way :)

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Chapter Thirty-Four

Hurdles

Ramsay's body tensed to the shrill pounding on the door, and his immediate reaction was to leap from the bed to answer it. This impulse faded with Sansa's firm hand on his shoulder and lightly given command. His senses solidified, and Ramsay remembered where he was and regretfully, who he was. It wasn't his place to attend the call; these were not his chambers, and he was not a lord in this keep any longer. In fact, he was no longer a lord at all. It came back to haunt him how this definition continuously morphed and warped as he and Sansa's relationship fluctuated into something else equally difficult to define. But, unlike before this night, Ramsay no longer doubted that Sansa had true feelings for him as that which he held for her. Ramsay had found himself questioning his own convictions even after the events they'd shared in the tub and bed had made Sansa's want and care for him quite clear. It wasn't until their sexual bout had ended and Ramsay laid secure drifting to sleep in Sansa's sweet embrace did he let go his fear that these sentiments he was grasping at were not just figments of his own imagination.

The hope and desire to feel loved had been buried by a frightened child and boarded over by a malignance that guarded Ramsay's heart. It had been much easier to be cruel and make others hurt than to allow weaknesses of the soul to take root. Delivering suffering meant no one questioned you because they feared you, and fear commanded respect and compliance. Ramsay had liked these responses when dealing with others; these interactions assuaged some social gratification within Ramsay, but it never sated him. Ramsay could demand and cajole almost any action or response from his victims once he'd broken them down, but that control had never given Ramsay what he really wanted. He had convinced himself on some level that in his mastery of dominating his Theon made Reek, he had induced true devotion over terror in the man, but now Ramsay knew the difference.

The difference was not in pretty words nor tender caresses as Ramsay's insecurities had prodded him to speculate that Sansa's touches may just amount to an infatuation that would pass when she grew weary of him. Hearts of women were fickle after all, but Sansa was like no woman he had ever known. What had finally settled Ramsay's mind had been waking in Sansa's arms and listening to the even keel of her breathing. She had been soundly asleep, and when Ramsay had shifted, Sansa had clutched him tighter nuzzling him closer into a heaving sigh of contentment. Her affection even in sleep spoke volumes; she was comfortable enough with him to sleep, and that meant on some level that Sansa trusted him.

Trust was something Ramsay had rarely felt from anyone and certainly not from anyone who knew him intimately. To their credit, Ramsay hadn't earned true trust because of the duplicitous nature he flaunted, but it didn't mean that he had not craved to feel it. Roose had always held Ramsay at arm's length attesting that even though they were blood, there was a fine line drawn in the sand between them. This was the Bolton way; treachery had run rampant for generations creating fractures throughout their family tree leaving isolated pockets of kin that might as well have been disavowed as there were none left to legitimately make a claim on the house's title.

Myranda was bold and accepting of anything that Ramsay would do to her, but there was always something in her eyes that was wary of betrayal. She wasn't afraid of him, but she also didn't trust Ramsay not to forsake her loyalty. Myranda had been right to withhold that from him as Ramsay wouldn't have recognized or appreciated it in her then if he had, and if anything, Ramsay would have seen it as a means for further amusement. What had changed? Ramsay hadn't fully pieced that together, but he knew it well enough that it soothed and mended something within him. The peace he felt led him to drift back to sleep with a teeming sensation of fulfillment that let Ramsay sleep more peacefully than he'd ever remembered.