Shadowfire

Chapter 41

I hadn't realised I had been unconscious until I opened my eyes. Every part of my frame and wiring ached, although a quick diagnostic scan declared I was at higher functionality than I had been before attempting this operation.

I pushed myself to my feet, legs shaking, programming hesitant- unsure if I could hold my own weight. There was nothing changed about the inert frame on the berth, except– a life sign, it was emitting a faint life signal. I tensed, every bearing and spring poised on high alert, I reached out and grabbed the frame's servo, willing it to work. Slowly, very slowly, light bloomed in 'Hide's new optics.

Fluid pooled in my own optics, emotion overwhelming me. My sparkmate, 'Hide. The body on the berth seized, spasming as it jerked in place.

Finally it stilled, blue sparks dancing as electricity flitted over the superheated metal. 'Hide's vocaliser crackled.

"What- have you done?"
"Hide! Hide you're alive, oh Primus it worked" I leaned over and grasped his arm
"Not- Primus, hell"
"Wha-" but he was jerking away from me, not an involuntary spasm but actually throwing himself out of my grip.
"What have you done!"
"'Hide-"
"Don't! Don't make excuses for this, how could you? How could you do this to me!"
"I-" but I didn't know what to say, how to justify myself.
"Jazz was right" he spat, furious "I loved you, and you loved a distraction, a thing"
"No-" because I had thought, at length about those words. They were wrong, at first maybe I had entertained Hide's suite to distract me from the pain of losing my sire but he was a good mech, he didn't deserve this. The way he had died had haunted me. This wasn't selfish, it wasn't.
"Don't you lie to me"

Pain swelled in my spark, overflowing to torture my circuits. Guilt. How could I? Jazz had been right, Jazz had been right. I had lost everyone I loved, for this? But I couldn't say it wasn't worth it; Hide was alive, hating me, but alive. I would apologise, we could still make this right. Start over, rebuild our bond, slowly this time- appreciate what we have. There was too much between us before, his life experience vast outclassing mine, the dichotomy alienating us, we wanted different things; but past events had aged me, sobered me, I wasn't a reckless kid anymore. We'd do this over, do it properly, I could finally be what he needed.
"I'm sorry, 'Hide I'm sorry" I reached out, desperate with the need to feel him, to have the aid of kinaesthetic sensors confirming that he was alive. I didn't trust just my optics. But he lashed out as I came close. He didn't have the range or strength of his previous built but it seemed he'd been running urgent diagnostics while I was having life altering revelations and knew enough about how to operate his new frame to trap my servo against his body, twisting it backwards as he moved. The limb jerked in its socket and sensors popped in alarm.

My spark pulsed. Hide hide hide.

He spun, digging his servos into the sensitive wiring of my chassis. His smaller digits dug into the plating in a way they couldn't before, and he used that to his advantage, twisting underneath metal plates. I buckled, bending and twisting in an effort to extricate his fingers. He moved with me, getting his legs into position to take me down. I tried to avoid them but he was fast now, and in less than a second he had brought his pede around in a sweeping motion and my joints had caved. I collapsed onto the floor, insane laughter bubbling within me. I had never expected this, what was he going to do now? Was he going to kill me? Forgive me? Reach out and help me to my feet, grinning the way he always did? Was this all just a test to see how his new systems operated?

But it wasn't and the realisation struck a second before he began raining blows down upon my prone form. I struggled, of course I did, but I couldn't help feeling that some part of me deserved this. He hated this new life, his new body; he hated himself, and it was my fault. I had ruined him, tarnished him, reduced him to his. Guilt and shame warred with immense sadness in my chest and I stopped fighting, allowing him to finally beat me into unconsciousness.

I knew when I woke I would never see him again, and drew up from my shattered memory banks the image of his visage before. My last thought was for him to find what he needed in his new body, new life. I deserved this.

___________________________

My head ached. A persistent thumping working to drill out of my metal skull, gears grinding against the sensitive systems and wiring of my brain. Everything hurt, I was battered from Hide's attack, and only just now becoming aware of how much my systems had suffered bearing two sparks, and then supporting the effort of tearing one from my chest and sparking a new system. I was drained, physically and emotionally.

I paused, realising, remembering- Ironhide. Hurriedly I opened my eyes, running a scan for Cybertronian lifeforms. None. Of course. I knew he wouldn't be sticking around, melancholy settled deep into my soul as I realised I would never see him again. I allowed myself to sink back down to the floor, cradling my damaged helm in my servos, soaking in my misery.

"Oh my god" I startled, and looked up, optics immediately spotting the woman frozen across from me, blonde hair drawn back and piled high upon her head, crisp white suit perfectly tailored, mouth hanging open as a scream began to build in her lungs. Slag, I swore, forcing myself to my feet and collapsing over the human. Well that takes care of her, I thought, laughing humourlessly as my holoform forced the barely struggling woman into my interior, trapping her inside my alt form.

I had no idea what I was going to do. I didn't want to kill her, but she had seen me here, what if she had seen what I'd done? She obviously worked for KSI, this was still their facility. What would she do with the knowledge that their creations could support life?

I forced the panic from my systems. There was nothing I could do about it now. I would take her to my sire, and let my father decide what to do with her. I knew I couldn't trust myself, how had I gotten to the point of doing what I did? Lennox was a good man, a strong man, despite it all. He would keep me in check as I floundered, keep me steering straight until my moral compass could realign.