Ruined (A BTS fanfiction)

Chapter 11 - Remember

I was powerless, trapped. All I could do was wait, knowing there was no one who could protect us. I didn't tell the boys what was outside our room that night. But they were such bright children, too smart for their own good. As the weeks dragged on, I only became more anxious. But eventually, the wonderful news that Jin was well enough to go home finally came.

We all stood outside of our home. Part of me was too afraid to go back in. But the other part of me just wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. I wanted to hear the boys' carefree laughs again. I wanted to feel safe. To feel in control of my life. To feel normal. I opened the door, craving the feeling of normalcy. The sight that met me was familiar but somehow unsettling. I wasn't the only one who felt like that. Jin and Namjoon didn't follow their brothers to their rooms. They stood there with me. Almost in a dream like state. Jin took a few steps forward, looking around as if it was his first time being there. It was our house, but it no longer felt like home.

The blood was still there. It had soaked deep into the very soul of everything it landed on. Even if I removed it, I knew it's mark would never truly leave. I tried to sleep, tried to be calm, tried to be thankful Jin was out of the hospital, alive. But the same image continued to plague my mind. An image I had been previously able to suppress, to ignore. But here, it kept me awake. The image of Jin lying on that floor, haunted me. It was a failure of mine I would never forget or forgive. When I finally realized I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I decided to get up. I went downstairs and sat on the couch. It wasn't yet sunrise, the world was still cloaked in darkness. Sitting there, staring out at the dark world, my mind slowly slipped into memories I had thought to be long forgotten. Memories of my childhood home, the small village that held it, and my family. I would run down the long, wooded road with Seojun, my brother, every morning. I could still smell the trees, feel the gravel crunch under my feet, and hear my brother's laugh. I never felt afraid there. I could wander through the streets of our small town at the dead of night with no fear. I knew every twist and turn of the road like the back of my hand. And I knew everyone, and everyone knew me. I longed for those days. I still clearly remembered the day I left that town. My brother and I headed for Busan so I could go to a good high school. I was sad to leave my home, but excited to enter a new world. I remembered the first time I saw Jinyoung. It wasn't love at first sight, but I definitely thought he was cute. And after months of keeping this to myself, I finally found out he felt the same way about me. And in this new world I was still so unaccustomed to, Jinyoung became my life line. I would often think of all the time we'd spent together during high school, they were memories I was quite familiar with. But finally, a long-ignored memory showed itself to me once more. The memory of the day after my parent's funeral.

"Jiwoo," Seojun opened the door to my room slowly.

I didn't look up from my book, "What is it?"

"You know they gave you the house, right?"

"I'm going to sell it."

"Sell it? Honestly, I love our house but it's in the middle of nowhere. No one's gonna buy it. And if they do it'll be for pennies."

"I don't want it."

"Why? It's our home."

"Don't act all sentimental now. Why should you even care? You're leaving, aren't you?"

When he didn't answer I finally looked up. His expression made me angry.

"What?" I spat.

"Don't talk like that. You don't understand," Seojun said.

"What don't I understand? You're abandoning me and your country because you're a coward."

"I don't want to leave now. I would stay if I could but I can't pass up this job opportunity. If I ever want to leave it has to be now."

"Why do you want to leave? Why can't you stay? The draft isn't that bad you can-"

"Just stop Jiwoo! Don't do this right now."

"When else am I supposed to do this? I'm going to be alone! I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. But you don't care!"

"Jiwoo..."

"You don't! You hate me, don't you? Well, I hate you too!"

I opened my eyes, finally noticing the tears pouring out of them. I didn't end up alone. Seojun stayed with me. And Jinyoung proposed to me. But when Seojun finally went to the army, a simple mistake his commander made killed him and several other men. But to me, my selfishness killed him. It always turned out like that. I ruined everything I loved. I looked over at the two rooms that held the seven people I held most dear.

"Not this time," I whispered. "I won't ruin it this time,"

I knew we couldn't stay in that home. It wasn't safe, the police couldn't help us here. We were just waiting for the inevitable here. We needed to leave. My old home in the middle of nowhere, that was where we would go. I stood up. It was still only five in the morning. We needed to leave immediately. I rushed to their rooms, almost in a panic. I opened the door to find all four of the older boys awake.

"We have to go," I said.

"Father" was wrong. We would escape.