The Struggle of the Rain

CHAPTER 1:

CHAPTER 1: Rainie

It was weird, how this all happened. It all felt like a dream when I heard the news, when my mother told me she'd finally send me to America, alone of course. Oh but she should be worried right? No, she wanted me gone, that's why she spent so much time saving up the money as quickly as she could. We didn't have a horrible relationship with each other, but she never particularly liked me, my whole childhood I wondered why she'd stare distantly at me with disappointment, I was only a child. I didn't learn until I was 12 listening in on one of her phone calls, that she dreamt of having a boy, she never ever wanted a girl, bratty and annoying she said they were. Although I was only the age of 12 I have never looked at my mother the same since that night.

I can say I wasn't a bratty girl, nor did I think I was annoying, not in the slightest. I never asked for anything and I gave her all the space that she wanted from me, I didn't want to cause any problems, or for her to have any more displeasure with me than she already had.

It wasn't until I started high school, year 10 I developed severe depression, and naturally I hid it from her, wasn't very hard since she never took any interest in me. I tried to deny it as long as possible to myself that something was wrong with me. Constantly reminding myself 'I'm fine' or 'You're just being dramatic Rainie, stop it' But depression to me is like a dark room, it consumes everything in sight, leaves you feeling trapped, you feel alone and you can't find the way out. Because everything is so dark, so damn dark and cold. It's the loneliest feeling I've experienced. So with depression falling down upon me quickly, and dragging me into the depths of hell, unleashed a new level of anxiety. Which I've always had but knew how to keep myself in safe zones to avoid any sorts of panic attacks, factor this in with severe depression, did not combine well together. Feeling like every single person you lay eyes on or who lays eyes on you is judging you, hating you. Plus feeling all those same thoughts about yourself. It's a constant battle that you never win with yourself. You can scream for help, but let me tell you, most people don't want to deal with people like me. And if they're kind enough to, eventually they leave you even when they say they wouldn't. Don't get me wrong there is rare people who will truly care about you and stick with you no matter what, and those are the ones you should never ever let go of. Never.

My grades in school began to drop, which was the bright red alarm for my mother, who only wanted to see the best possible grades. So when I was no longer getting them, she immediately sent me off to psychiatrists to get me fixed as if I was a broken glass doll.

I don't regret her decision, not at all. I was diagnosed with A.D.D, and trialed many medications until I found one that worked, but what was terrible was that it was the last one on the market for me to try, and I was only able to take 1/3 of the dose that I should've been taking. That's because my heart started to race on the correct amount. So even though I was better, I wasn't much more well at all, but something was better than nothing.
My mother never mentioned any of my anxiety of depression, she was only concerned as to why my grades weren't good. The psychiatrist said I was born with this disorder, and it's just getting worse as I'm getting older. Which I can see, I feel it. I feel like I can't do anything, it's annoying because people just think you're lazy, but it's not that at all, you want to be able to do things but you can't, you just can not. And that's the most simplest way I can explain it. It's wanting but not being able to do it.

Anyways skip back to 3 months ago, my mother for what felt like the first time in my life, came into my room whilst I was cleaning up a few things before I lost all energy, that's another thing, depression makes you constantly tired, literally 24/7 tired, absolutely exhausted. She came in and told me to sit down, I complied with her orders without a question, and looked at her expressionless. She spoke with no emotion and told me she remembered the one time I mentioned as a child that my dream was to move to America and go to school there, because I thought it looked 'so awesome' She pulled out a ticket from her coat, and said I was leaving within a week, and to start packing my things.

I didn't question why it was that she did this for me, I knew she had been wanting me gone since the day she found out it was a baby girl she was giving birth to, do I blame her? No. It's out of my control, it hurts but I've grown numb to it.

When it was finally time for me to catch my flight, from Australia to America, she handed me the ticket from the drivers seat at the airport, no smile, no hug goodbye, just a simple "goodbye" and handed me money to purchase a cheap car over there.

That was it, no movie scene emotional goodbye filled with tears and sorrow, no breakdown as the aeroplane takes off into the sky. Just a meaningless goodbye, and a ticket to a new start. That takes you to where I am now, in a very small room which I call my home, living within a small cafe, trying to make enough money to pay rent for my room, and for my school fees, for the horrid disgrace of a high school that I go to.

Oh this was supposed to be my dream, everything I've always wanted? I guess there was a turn of events. This isn't a movie after all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello!!! Soooo this was just to give you a little bit of background information on Rainie, a slight insight into the way she thinks and the kind of relationship she has with her mother. I hope you enjoy this, I'm still and improving writer so I'm trying my best XXX love goes out to anyone who reads this book!!! ~Hope❤️❤️❤️