wings ◻ syh and clp

end

the corner of my memory, a brown piano settled on one side

THE piano seems so little with the tall boy sitting in it. there were times when he wasn't alone and there was someone playing it. there were times when he could associate it with a drummer jumping from the exact same place he is sitting on. but now, as he is playing with a lighter, there is nothing but emptiness.

he remembers his mother smoking while playing and teaching him how to play.

and he can clearly see himself as a child again. his mom is right in front of him and she is playing debussy. she is smiling, a cigarette hanging from her lips. there is a different lighter next to boy and marlboro pack right under it.

the melody is beautiful - fascinating even - coming under his mother's fingers. the boy feels his insides melting every time she presses a new key.

"do you want to play, sweetheart?" she asks and the boy sees the young version of himself nodding frantically. the little one plays with so much heart, he notices.

"it feels so nice," he says as he finishes, "mom, it feels so nice!"

the woman smiles so bright that the boy finds her as beautiful as the sun. he misses her a lot.

"i know, johnny. i know."

the boy closes his eyes. it's too much. his fingers become frantic, nervous as he plays with fire.

then the lighter falls down...

... and flames errupt.

still, i hold the six flowers tightly in my hand

HE wakes up. at first his vision is bad and he almost isn't able to see but it clears and he finds himself in a circle of flowers. chrysanthemums.

he has a memory of a boy with love in his eyes talking about chrysanthemums, but it's blurry and he doesn't see a face nor does he recall a name.

he looks around and finds out that the walls are made of glass. the view outside is breathtaking. the flowers around him are fresh but the trees he sees give off an autumn vibe with their dry multicolored leaves. there is a cornice on each wall but no curtains are seen. johnny wonders where they are.

he crosses his legs and takes a white flower. it's followed by an orange one, and then an yellow one. he continues until there are six flowers in his lap. two orange chrysantemums for his mother, two white chrysanthemums for his brother, and two yellow chrysanthemums for his sister. johnny gathers the flowers in a small bouquet and clutches them tightly in his hands.

suddenly the petals start falling in his lap and he sees almost transparent curtains covering the walls. in a blink of an eye flames start dissciminating and playing with the thin fabric.

i'm sorry, mom, for realizing now how much you've done for me

HE closes his eyes tightly and when he opens them he is in his old room. the door is open and he sees photos of his family on the walls. looking around, johnny finds out that nothing has changed from the last time he was there. he stands up and walks in the corridor. the door of the room right next to his is open and he goes straight into it.

it's bright - too bright if you ask the tall boy. it's contrasting the darker corridor and johnny hates it because it makes him see black dots. getting into the room makes him feel like getting in a different universe through a portal. the walls are made from bricks and each one shows different scenes.

he sees his mom laughing, his mom smoking, his mom playing the piano. he sees her divorcing his father. he sees the hurt expression his sister has and the disappointment in his brother's eyes. it makes him feel awful. he sees himself getting home from school and not finding his mother in the small apartment. he sees himself waiting for her for two days until his father shows up and pulls him out of his home. he sees himself shouting and crying until his father shuts him up with a slap. he sees his father telling him that his mother is gone and that he'll live with them from now on.

and then he sees his mother working hard, trying to give him a good life. he sees his mother giving all her money for his piano lessons.

and johnny cries. he is sobbing so hard that he almost isn't able to breathe.

he can't take it anymore and he goes out of the room. he realizes it's too fast when he collides with the mirror in the corridor

because right now i'm happy but i'm unhappy

HE is on his knees. his head is bleeding a little but it's nothing serious. the mirror is cracked and his reflection looks weird.

and at that moment he wishes he could love himself on the same way his mom loved him.

whatever it takes, save me

johnny's reflection looks awful. his hair is messy and his cheeks are tear-stained. there is blood on his forehead. his eyes are glossy. and his heart is broken.

memories flood his mind and the tears take over again.

even if i try to hide it or conceal it, it can't be erased

IT looks so realistic, when he recalls his father, that he can almost feel the pain in his limp body. johnny can't move but his father can. he hits him repeating how ungrateful his kids are.

he is done, the tall boy realizes, when he sees the man slapping his sister and kicking his brother for the last time.

it's hard to move, his body hurts so much, but he finds enough strength in himself to crawl to the twins and say sorry. he repeats it like a mantra. his words are messy, a bit slurred, and he is stuttering but they understand him. they always do.

johnny feels his heart hurting. his siblings are just eleven and they are so smart, so understanding.

and then he finds himself towards his father's body with a glass bottle in his hand.

he remembers it so clearly. so goddamn clearly.

he screams in the mirror...

...and wakes up.

you make me begin

HE is sobbing as a boy's arms wrap around him. a boy with love in his eyes and a precious smile.

"hey, it's going to be okay, i'm here," is whispered gently in his ear and it makes him feel like home. eventually he calms down. the boy smiles reassuringly at him and pecks his lips. it makes him all giddy.

"do you want to talk about it, sweetheart?"

johnny shakes his head.

"not-not now. tomorrow. i'll tell you everything tomorrow, chittaphon."