Learning To Swim For Real

Chapter 22: Kelsey Has A Meltdown

"Kels? You okay?" Jack reached tentatively for her sleeve as she stood near the breakwater where she'd wandered after leaving the restaurant. It was nearly completely dark. The city was lit up behind them, the Golden Gate glowed off to their left, and Alcatraz was in front of them, with the dark water of the bay in between.

She turned and hugged herself to him, sniffing as she nodded, and he hugged her back, patting and stroking her, rubbing her hair with his cheek. Some people gave them curious looks as they walked by, but most people wanted to get where they were going, and just kept walking.

"Do you want to, um, talk about it?" he asked. He was unsure of what he was supposed to do. He knew from movies and books that girls liked to "talk" about their feelings, but he also knew that they usually liked to talk to other girls, not to the people, usually guys, who had caused the feelings in the first place. He also knew from his buddies that "talking" to girls was a minefield, studded with unknowable and indecipherable nuances, where "I'm fine" meant "I want to die", "please leave" meant "you'd better stay", and "it's nothing you did" meant "you and everything you did suck."

She nodded, continuing to sniff.

"Okay, okay," he soothed, rubbing her shoulder. "Let's walk and talk, then, so we don't turn into icicles, all right?"

She nodded again, and they turned toward their motel, arms around each other's waists.

"It's just that when you said you were happy?" She looked at Jack, who nodded. "I was just thinking how happy I was."

"Oh." Jack looked over Kelsey's head, out at the dark bay. "So, that's good, that's nice, right?"

Kelsey nodded again, then said, "No."

"No?" Jack's voice rose. "Not nice? But you, uh, nodded?"

"I'm not used to people being nice to me," she said.

"What? How can that be?" Jack was thoroughly confused now. "You've said yourself that everyone is nice to you all the time. You said that sometimes it's kind of sickening how much people want to kiss your ass and grovel and give you what you want--" he trailed off.

"That's not the same thing at all," Kelsey said determinedly. "Ass-kissing, all that Hollywood stuff, that's not what I'm talking about. I mean like when you were worried about my shoulders and put sunscreen on them. Or the lip balm." She leaned into Jack. "Or when you wanted me to bring a sweater because you thought I might be cold."

She took a deep breath that turned into a shudder and very nearly a sob. "Those other people don't care about me, they only care about pissing me off, don't you see?" She stopped walking and turned to face Jack, nearly stamping her foot in frustration. "They wouldn't care if I fucking died, as long as I had a smile on my face when I did, as long as I let them hang out with me." She leaned her head on Jack's chest, crying again. "I was thinking at the restaurant, trying to remember the last time anyone worried that I might be cold?"

And she was silent for so long that Jack realized a response was required of him and said, "Yeah?" while rubbing her back.

"And I couldn't! I couldn't, Jack." She hit his chest gently with her fist for emphasis, a blow which he barely felt, though he was feeling the effect of her tears. He felt as if his heart were slowly being pulled out of his chest cavity. "What does that say about my life, how empty it is?"

"No, sweetheart, maybe it says more about the fact that you live in a place that's warm all year round?" Jack said with a soft laugh, trying to tip her face up so he could look at her. "You live in Los Angeles, you know?"

And Kelsey did laugh, a little one, but Jack felt it under his hands, and was heartened.

"When I was in Paris for Fashion Week three years ago, when I was still walking for the collections? I had a fever, and a headache, a sore throat, I was so weak. I called my agent in New York, and tried to cancel?" Now she was looking up at Jack, and even in the dim light he could see her eyes, the tears clotted in her lashes sparkling with the lights of the city reflected in them. Her words were tumbling over each other in her anxiety to get them out. She was holding bunches of his sweater in her fists, and she looked desperate to Jack, like she felt hunted. It broke his heart. "Do you know what they did? First they told me to suck it up, to just take aspirin or whatever. Then, after I called him again, they sent JJ to me with some uppers and coke."