Hole In The Ground (Joshler)

L

Lately I can't sleep. Ever since I first heard the news about you my mind has been racing and sleep is running away from my thoughts despite what my body and eyes say. I've never been able to sleep very well unless you were next to me but now I know that you are gone forever. Never to be seen again. But now I haven't gotten any sleep at all. Its been 8 days. Tyler, am I ever going to sleep again?

I was asked to help plan the viewing and the funeral. I agreed. At least I can do one more thing for you right? So I helped plan everything. Besides, it wouldn't have been perfect if I didn't do it right?

But is a funeral really perfect? I don't think so.

I went to the viewing yesterday. I'm at the funeral right now. I almost didn't come. Almost. I know Tyler would forgive me if I didn't go. He wouldn't blame me. But I would've hated myself even more than I already do now.

I hate the smell of this funeral home. It smells like old lady perfume and mold and sadness and death. The design of it is ugly. The carpet squeaks (that does not even make sense but it squeaks. Like the floorboards underneath of it are loose). There's a doorman who opens and closes the stupid squeaky door whenever someone needs to come in or out.

Why does a funeral home need a fucking doorman? We're heart broken and sad but not fucking incapable of opening a goddamn door for ourselves. We aren't helpless. I kind of want to punch the doorman in the face even though he's just doing his job.

I take a deep breath.

It's quiet except for the person speaking at the podium (Im not really paying attention. All I can focus on is your eyes that must be lifeless behind your pale closed eyelids) and the sniffles spreading through the room.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

"Josh!" Tyler shouts and giggles as I chase him through the clearing in the woods. It's our spot. With the sun filtering through the tree tops and illuminating the green grass filled with dandelions and poppy flowers. Your favorites.

I laugh as I watch you giggle and turn your head behind your shoulder to glance at me. Beautiful.

Our bare feet run through the soft grass, making small thuds and rustling noises as they hit the earth. The wind carries our giggles and breath away.

My arms wrap around Tyler and he lets out a scream before giving in and laughing. I grin and carry him back to the middle of the clearing, laying us down and turning on my side to look at him.

Our fingers and legs tangle, our lips touch, and Tyler pulls away giggling at me preciously.

"What's so funny baby boy?" I ask.

"M'nothin. You're jus' s'cute Jishwa. M'love you."

"I love you too."

And we're quiet now. Nothing but the sound of our breathing and the birds chirping away as the wind whispers gently through the trees. The sun comes shining through and rests softly on his face. It turns his chocolate eyes into melted caramel and highlights Tyler's cheeks like honey.

I will never let this go. I will never let Tyler go.

Funny now how I remember that so clearly. How I made and broke that promise to myself.

I let Tyler go.