Brush with death

Normal...Ish?

I lost my best mate about 2 days ago. We found him in his bathroom with cuts on his wrist and an empty pill bottle on the floor. He was gone without saying any goodbyes, but he did leave a suicide note...

Dear whoever may find me here,                                  .                                               I am sorry. I am so so so sorry for this. I couldn't take it anymore, my mothers and sisters funeral fucked me up more than I showed. The car crash was so sudden, I have cried myself to sleep every night since then. I am so sorry Andy, Victor, Denis. I'm sorry I lied every time you asked if I was okay. I'm sorry I stopped talking to you. My heart was torn to shreds, I'm sorry I didn't let you guys save me, but just know that I love you guys. Don't ever make the same mistake that I have. And again I'm sorry.                                                           In terrible regret I bid you farewell, Ben.

He was my best friend. He never hurt us, he was caring, we loved him like a brother. Now he's gone and we never had enough time to save him. 

"Andy, it's time to go. Come on". Mum called from the end of the hallway.

I slowly stood up, chucked a Green day shirt on as well as a pair of black ripped skinny jeans and a pair of black high top converses. As I was about to leave my room I looked in the mirror and grunted. My electric blue eyes were now red and puffy from crying. Grabbing the eyeliner from my wooden cabinet I redo my makeup so I look semi decent. Then I grab my brush and take it through my long black hair. 

"Andy come on we're going to be late", dad called from the stairs.

I slip out of my room and trudge downstairs. Mum and dad are waiting for me, their soft blue eyes filled with sympathy. Silence fills the air as I brush past them without a word and get in the car. They  do the same. As we start driving I put my earplugs in and start listening to some green day. The houses fly past out the window and I feel a tear trickle down my cheek. He's gone and I will never have him back I thought. Dad glances back to check on me then turns back to face the front.

"Poor Andy, he's doing so well considering the fact that Ben was his most adored friend" dad comments.

"I agree, it must be hard on Ben's family though. He was their only child" mum replied.

I brush a piece of my raven hair off my face, tears streaming down my cheeks now and I think about death. What it might feel like. How it might happen. When it might come. The car comes to a jolt, I look out the window and realise that we are here. Denis and Victor start waving. They beckon me over,

"I'm heading over to the others" I shout to my parents.

No reply came so I just left them. Denis starts fiddling with his fingers as I walk over to them. Victor wraps me in a hug and starts to sob, Denis comes and wraps both of us in a hug and he also starts sobbing. Soon we are all crying on the ground, still wrapped in each others arms. We sit there for a good ten minutes. Denis unwrapped his arms and stood up, Victor did the same. They held their hands out to me and helped me up. 

"Come on we better go" Denis spoke up causing me to jump.

I follow them in and we walk to the casket. It was closed which was sad but it was good as well because I know if I saw him I would burst into tears again. The wood was painted a glossy black, it shone in the sunshine. We all had a white marker to write a message on the coffin. Finally it was my turn.

Dear Ben,                                                                                                                           I miss you, we all do. I kinda understand why you did this but what I don't understand is why you didn't let us help. I forgive you. I love you.                        A.

I stood back with tears streaming down my face. I missed how he would comfort me when I was down. I missed how he would joke around and make us laugh till we pissed ourselves. I missed everything. Dad came from behind me and took me back to mum. She quickly wiped a tear from her cheek. Mum got along with Ben really well so it wasn't a surprise, she used to take him in when the pain got too hard to handle alone.

"How about you go get some fresh air huh" Mum says

I grunt in reply and make my way outside. There was a lake near so I decided to go there. A small stone wall separated the lake from the pavement, I stood on it and stared at my reflection. I looked horrible, my eyeliner was smudged, my eyes were puffy and I just looked like a complete mess. This must be what it feels like to want to die I suggested to myself. The lake looked so peaceful. Green water calmly flowed from one place to another, rocks at the bottom of the lake made it seem deep. I looked around, nobody was near me. Glancing back at the lake I saw a reflection that wasn't my own. It was Ben, Ben was in the water! I fall to my knees still on the stone wall and start to touch the water. It felt nice. It felt comforting. I stood back up, my head started to spin. Ben, I wanted to be with Ben but I know what I would have to do to be with him again. I was contemplating about it for a few minutes. Then I decided. The rocks looked so soft, I felt myself falling. Then everything went black.