Book of Vents

I'm a Failure... No Matter How Hard I F*cking Try...

Why can't I ever be enough... why can't I ever do enough to finally have someone be proud of me... instead of disappointed... I'm a fucking damn failure no matter how hard I fucking goddamn try.

She sighs out, sitting against a wall in a tunnel, far from the ones she can't seem to impress and prove that she's good enough. She knows she shouldn't be seeking something impossible to receive, but so much happens to where she can't seem to ever be good enough. The harder she seems to work to get someone to be proud of her, the worse she fails them. That whenever she finally gets that little bit of hope after working so hard, she finally gets told she has done good.. it all crashes and burns with a small mistake; even if it wasn't even her own fault.

I don't fucking understand... She said, looking down at the cold cement floor and clasping her hands together, leaning her forehead on them. She attempts to hold back the tears, she then heard a faint voice.. one that has kept her from ending it all.

"Elisa! Elisa, please! Where are you!" Her boyfriend of almost one year calls for her. His voice is faint, he hasn't quite found her yet.

She chuckles softly, not happily though. Stupid boy.. why do you sacrifice so much for someone who's such a piece of shit, and creates so much trouble for you..

She hugs herself tightly, hugging her knees close to herself. She buried her head into her legs, and breathed slowly and quietly; hoping to stay hidden from the one person she loves and knows he loves her back.

She basically never believes his sweet compliments, but she smiles and nods; never saying that she doesn't believe his words.

Because of past failures and relationships, she feels afraid that she'll mess up the only thing keeping her alive. She doesn't know why she's trying to hide from him, maybe she doesn't want to be cheered up... maybe this time she wants to succumb to the darkness so she can finally give up and be completely dead inside.
She knows he's not aware of her sanity slowly slipping away, she's gradually and surely dying on the inside. Her care of what happens to her, or the rules of her household.. they are soon going to be faded.

She then heard quick sounds of running footsteps coming towards her. She then mentally rolled her eyes, staying put. She couldn't outrun him, his legs were much longer than hers. His jog was her sprint.

Fucking wonderful...

Soon she felt someone wrap long arms around her, a warm body sitting next to her. She felt safe from within his arms, like all bullshit of the day couldn't reach her.

His voice sounded scared and concerned, it was even shaky-sounding. "Elisa.. you scared me so bad-" okay, great, so I failed you too... again.. "I'm so glad I found you." His grip got a bit tighter.

She just sighed, and tried to push him away from her. Her weak arm wasn't enough to even make him budge. She wasn't eating as much as she normally does, allowing her stomach to feel empty as much as she could. But she did eat, not a lot or enough. She felt she had to punish herself for being such a failure to everyone all the time.

"Elisa..." he whispered, laying his head on her shoulder.
She didn't move. "I know that your mom isn't the best mom-"

She then lifted her head and shot him a kind of glare, "isn't the best? Are you fucking kidding me? She abuses me, Darrel! I can't report her or else I risk my sister being taken from me, and worse, moved somewhere far away from you!" She started to tremble, her eyes started getting pricked with tears. "And if I don't take her verbal abuse and physical harm, she'd do it to my sister. I can't allow that."

She hid her face again, closing her eyes and trying to make her tears go away.

"I know Elisa.. I would let you stay at my place but that won't make things better. And plus, my father wouldn't allow it either." He pauses. "You only have a bit longer till we can both move out and share our own place."

He starts to rub her back slowly. "I'll be here whenever you need me. You know that."

He then lifted her head, holding her chin and then quickly, yet gently, placed his lips upon hers. At first she didn't kiss back, but soon she melt into his kind and gentle touch.

After a few moments he pulls away, looking deeply into her brown -shit- colored eyes. "You are the most beautiful and kind girl I've ever met-" lies, but like always I'll pretend to believe you. "And I love you. I hate seeing you hurt by someone who should show love and kindness to you. I'll be here to help you through it all. I'll always run to you, as could be proven here."

He wasn't lying about that. She had run off far from town. It took her at least an hour and a half to get here. She's still bewildered about how he found her.

She then said, no emotion in her voice. "I'll go back.. fine. But all that awaits me is failure. I am never enough for my mother, never enough for my boss. I have failed countless times. And that's all I ever do right, is be a failure. She stood, and started walking back. He ran up to her to catch up and then he grasped her hand in his.

She felt a bit hopeful, but at the same time knowing it was all going to be the same... and she would be dragging her one and only down with her depressive episodes.. again proving she will always be a failure, to everyone.